Hello people.
Okay so I have been thinking a lot lately and a few things have to come to my mind. I think I need anger management classes or a therapist or something. Here me out: anyone who has read some of my most recent posts is aware of my concern over Proposition 8. But lately I find myself completely enraged in a matter of seconds whenever I see some minivan or SUV with a "Yes on 8" sticker on the bumper. Yes I flip them all off...but I find myself wishing I had a gun so I could take them out... I'm thinking that that is probably not healthy. I am furious that my civil rights, are in the hands of these idiots who cant see far enough past their own selves to think about the happiness of others. Yet when it comes to gay rights, they get all "protect our children" and "its better for mankind"....shut the fuck up! Before May 15th 2008 you didn't give a fuck about mankind. You were too busy with book club, little billy's soccer practice, making that big sale so the boss will like you, and being a good PTA mom. You wouldn't give a second thought to driving right past the homeless guy begging for spare change, yet NOW...when gay people might actually be treated equally, now you're Mankind's SUPERHERO....go fuck yourselves. I hope you all die painful deaths. Okay now this is what I'm talking about. RAGE ISSUES. I swear to god if someone walks up to me randomly and starts preaching about Prop 8... there will be ONE warning given, to get the hell away from me... and if they don't I will attack them. This is scary because I'm not normally this crazy but I cant help it. The idea that these pious selfish fuck heads can cast a vote and take away MY rights...just infuriates me. Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do? You don't know me. You aren't a part of my life. What I do on a daily basis doesn't affect you. Yet you can have a hand in deciding my fate? This fills me with so much hatred and rage, so much so that I don't even recognize myself.
I'm wondering if this is a problem, or if this is inspiration? My opinion is that Homosexuals need to fight back, we need to rise up, clentch a fist and do to them what they have done to us. If someone pickets gay wedding, we picket a straight wedding. If they say hateful things, we say hateful things. If they gay bash, we bash back. Im tired of being a victim. Im tired of my people being mistreated and victimized...but I'm also tired of my people. So many of them don't care. They dont know or care about unity, respect, or their heritage. They mock the drag queens...I got news for you twinky bitchy caddy litle bitches out there....you wouldnt HAVE the rights you have NOW if it werent for Drag Queens. The Drag Queens at Stonewall who banded together and FOUGHT BACK AGAINST POLICE OPPRESSION, DISCRIMINATION, AND BRUTALITY. Now the Police uphold the law to protect us, so the next time you snicker at a drag queen...you remember who fought for you. The next time you see an old gay man at a bar and ASSUME he is a perv, you remember that when he was your age, he had to hide, and love in secret...cuz no one would protect him. They are our forfathers, and they fought so our generation and the generations that follow us could be free enough to love who we love, to party, go to bars, go clubbing, have cities, neighborhoods, districts, and burrowns evolve to fit us...instead of us changing to fit the area. Places like West Hollywood, San Francisco, Greenwich Village, Liberty Avenue, Palm Springs, and many many many other places where being gay is welcomed and celebrated. But No...all you little faggots see is a bar, loud music, and your own selfish desires for drugs and sex.
Maybe they should all have a little more respect for their elders, and the people who fought for their right to be drugged up whores.
No wonder so many heterosexuals cant accept us, we cant even accept ourselves. There is so much discrimination within our own community!! the bears dont like the twinks, the masculine muscles jocks hate queens, twinks and chubs are oil and water, there is no respect for your fellow gay. Its sickening. Maybe we dont deserve to be treated fairly because we dont treat each other fairly....but that's the beautiful this about basic human rights....its not based on your behavior or your birthright, or your color or gender, because you are HUMAN. They are HUMAN RIGHTS. I personally think that gangs are a waste of time and space and that to live that lifestyle is dangerous and stupid... but they are human. They have the right to vote, the right to make their voices heard. I may not want their input but their rights allow them to have it.
So do you see why I get so angry about this? The same basic rights that everyone else has, will be taken away from me and my community, because we are different.
I swear on everything I hold dear, if Prop 8 passes, I'm going to start silk screening shirts with phrases like:
"Please discriminate against me. Prop 8 allows it."
"Bigotry is now LEGAL! Thanks California!!"
"Prop 8 Passed, watch out Non-Caucasians...YOU'RE NEXT"
"I guess we're good enough to entertain you, but not to be treated equally"
"The Nazi's wanted to take away the rights of those who were different too...thanks for voting yes on 8!!"
"You voted Yes on 8....even though you just LOVED Will & Grace"
"You may have voted Yes on 8, but it's okay cuz you LOVE Ellen"
"Prop 8 allows you to hate me...so now I hate you more."
etc etc.
This kind of angry, violent, hate fueled spite is what goes through my head all the time, ever since Prop 8 was put out there. I dont think its healthy.... but i think more than anything, its not healthy because Im kind of ENJOYING IT.
I have also been thinking that there is WAY too much outside involvement in my life and decisions. I value the opinions and concerns of the people around me, who care about me...but i have noticed lately that sometimes, if you don't see eye to eye, the concern is followed by venomous judgment. I don't need that. I feel like regardless of what I do with my life and my resources, as a friend, support is what you should give. Advice, Concern, support. I have also noticed in a lot of situations, not just with friends but in general... where if you have some decision to make, and you dont make that decision exactly the way someone else would...and your decision turns out to be wrong, then you get no help from them because you didnt do it the way they wouldve. I think that is shitty. I mean I had a friend who had money problem a few years back, and I basically did a budget for him that wouldve solved his problem in two months, but he did his own way and it took him 9 months...and caused a problem with his school... and I didnt say "well dont come cryin to me." i was still there for him. I may not ever put in THAT much effort to fix his problems....but Im still there for him when his decisions backfire. Cuz that is what a friend does.
What else...ummm OH I have been thinking about the future...what have I done to prepare for my future? Not a whole lot. I mean I have mastered the art of survival. Ive been through more shit that most people who believe but Im did, and Im still here. But I need to prepare for the future. Im almost 30 after all. I'm still gonna seek out money making opportunities every chance I get. Im still going to do odd jobs, Im still going to try to start my own business eventually. I still want to go to school and become a computer geek, cuz thats where the money is!! Maybe something like Dental Assistance cuz I can deal with mouths. Or XRay technician work...I cant deal with Blood or guts...ew.
Maybe Orthodoncia....i went through it, there was no blood involved.
Either way, My future will not be bleak. I will not grow old in Camarillo, alone, and busting my ass to barely make ends meet. I will have a retirement account, I will have a love and a home and a savings account. I will have child who will carry on my family name and my families nutty characteristics, I will have an IRA or a CD or something financial..cuz i think those thingys are good to have right??
Either way, my existence will not be THIS forever. Although I love my apartment, I love my roommate because she is amazing...but Its not what I want for the rest of my life.
There is a fire inside...and it's time I let it out and used it. The Evolution Revolution begins with me.
1 comment:
I notate your "bears hate twinks" and so on, but as much as not learning to love one another equally sucks, it also proves that homosexuality is more mainstream than ever before.
The weird part is that to have the freedom to hate one another is actually progress. I'd love to see "peace on Earth" and all that jazz but in reality, the fact that we're safe enough to be different and even hate on others for the weirdest of differences shows how like the "common man" people become.
I try as much as I can to not hate on people, but it can be utterly heartbreaking sometimes. My statement is usually that I'll hate on you if you're an asshole, no special treatment for any reason (being a woman, being disabled, having cancer, etc etc), but for that reason only. Don't treat my kid like shit and don't be an asshole to me or people close to me.
Right now, I drive near the home of one of my client's grandparents. I work with the developmentally disabled and his grandparents live across the street from the babysitter of another person in my group. Every afternoon I drop her off and I see their McCain posters and "Yes on 8" posters and I want to go over and smack their elderly faces.
Having to be the better person, to understand that they're old people raised in a different time and generation is hard. Because you'd think that people would get wiser as they get older. But the fact is, if you were an asshole when you were 30, you'll be an asshole when you're 80. Something tragically significant would have to happen to change that. Otherwise, an asshole remains an asshole. Honestly, the taste in my mouth goes sour when I see their house. They'll most likely be dead in 4-8 years but they're voting on shit that affects my daughter? That doesn't seem fair.
Gah... I need to stop before I get really started.
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