I hate that saying. "It always gets worse before it gets better.... " Its bullshit. It just gets worse. The people you love leave you, the things you depend on will break, the basic needs will cost you everything you have. There is no hope, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
This is my existence. My stupid fucking car needs a new transmission, I dont make enough money to fix it. I don't make enough money to live above the poverty line for fuck's sake. I am overworked, underpaid (by hundreds a month) and I am quickly slipping into a homeless existence. This is what happens when I tried to better my life....everything fell apart.
A word of advise....accept mediocrity. Don't reach for the stars, cuz unless you are lucky, you will never reach them.
Also: if you are going to reference my blog, please make sure you do it correctly. Recently, someone I love gave up on me because of something he read (incorrectly) on my blog. As much as I understand the reality of the situation, I am too tired to fight for it. My life is wasting away, why should I allow anyone else to be part of it? especially someone I care about so much???
So here is the deal: I do not deserve happiness. That has been made clear. Every time in the past 5 years that I have tried to achieve happiness, whether it be moving to a new city, meeting a new guy, being brave, being confident... the world has fallen apart around me... clearly, I am destined for lonely poverty, and crippling misery and pain. I am not meant to be happy. So why bother? Why go on living is all I have to live for is misery and pain and loneliness? The sad part is that last night, while sitting in my darkened living room watching True Blood, I heard a thump come from my back yard...my FIRST THOUGHT....was "Please let it be a burglar who will shoot me in the head." How sick is that? It was a branch falling onto my deck, btw, sadly not a murderous burglar.
It is so bad that I might have to lose a day of work, because I don't have enough gas in my car to make it to the office. I work 25 miles from home, so 50 miles round trip in a car that NOW only has 4 reliable gears, and gets shitty gas mileage. Yes people, this is my life.
Ya know what I don't understand... I don't steal identities, I don't steal money, I don't kill people, I am not a bad person, I don't sleep around, I'm not a douchebag, I don't cheat, I'm not out there picking fights, hurting people, WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I EVER WIN?!?!?!?!
Why am I always losing? Why can't I catch a break? When the fuck will all this bad luck END?? Do I have to die for this to end???? I am worn down to my very soul. I have nothing left to give... everything I am, everything I stand for, everything I believe to be true...is meaningless, because what has honesty, integrity, and hard work gotten me? I'll tell you...its gotten me poverty, struggle, strife, and a shitty car. No one ever picks me. Guys always pick someone else, I'm always left single and alone. Even when they say they love me, they leave me. You can work hard and give it your best...just to be in the same place over a year later, no raise, no hope of security or insurance or money...nothing. You're fucked. Accept it.
If this is what life is all about...then I want off this ride.
