If you were going for "cute"....you missed.
February 25, 2009
Classy Ladies
Hi, I'm Loretta Hinkle
I'm a waitress at the local truck stop, and I like to party! Im always havin people over for some beers and good times. I like my country music loud and proud. People round these parts always say "oh that Loretta, you can hear the kid rock blastin out of her datsun from a block away...oh she's crazy like that."
I'm one of a kind, and Im looking for someone who is low maintenance...Im on my feet all day, and I dont need to wait on you when i get home. I think my perfect guy would be a truck driver, cuz our career paths are similar and because how wont be home much. I live in a camper parked next to my sister's duplex, so its cozy, but after a while, two people in there feels like two possums in a potato sack. So calling all truck drivers, playful spark plug red head lookin fer luvin.
I'm a waitress at the local truck stop, and I like to party! Im always havin people over for some beers and good times. I like my country music loud and proud. People round these parts always say "oh that Loretta, you can hear the kid rock blastin out of her datsun from a block away...oh she's crazy like that."
I'm one of a kind, and Im looking for someone who is low maintenance...Im on my feet all day, and I dont need to wait on you when i get home. I think my perfect guy would be a truck driver, cuz our career paths are similar and because how wont be home much. I live in a camper parked next to my sister's duplex, so its cozy, but after a while, two people in there feels like two possums in a potato sack. So calling all truck drivers, playful spark plug red head lookin fer luvin.
Needed to Smile
well, yesterday sucked ass. It was a bad day. for those of you who made me smile...thank you, as for those of you out there who didn't, well, piss off.
I've decided that Im not going to take shit from anyone, and I dont care who the fuck you are, whether you're my best friend, my boss, the CHP guy who pulled me over, a child, a stranger, or a homeless quadriplegic. I don't give a fuck...ya know why? Because everytime I give a fuck, I end up having to fix things, or explain myself, or tip toe around other peoples feelings and emotions because they might not get it, or drama happens, or I end up doing other peoples work, or I end up feeling bad when I shouldnt have to. Yeah, im SO fucking DONE with that bullshit.
Be aware...from this point on, dont say a single thing to me unless you are prepared to hear what I have to say back to ya. Opinions, ideas, jokes, updates, whatever... I will not hold back, because no one seems to hold back from me to spare MY feelings, and if it causes friction...so be it. Fucking cry about it, I dont give a fuck. Im fed up with this shit. People have no problem telling me shit in the harshest fucking way...and yet I'm supposed to be considerate and gentle? FUCK that. No more. I will only give back good energy if that is what is sent my way, if you're gonna be tough, so am I. I dont care anymore, Im tired of feeling stepped on.
Coming to this realization and making this decision put me in a MUCH better mood.
Then I found these!!! and they totally brightened my day cuz their funny.
J-E-L-L.....OOOOOHHH SNAP!
(old, but worth a re-post)
this one...well, it spoke to my inner frustration. haha
LATER BITCHES!!!
I've decided that Im not going to take shit from anyone, and I dont care who the fuck you are, whether you're my best friend, my boss, the CHP guy who pulled me over, a child, a stranger, or a homeless quadriplegic. I don't give a fuck...ya know why? Because everytime I give a fuck, I end up having to fix things, or explain myself, or tip toe around other peoples feelings and emotions because they might not get it, or drama happens, or I end up doing other peoples work, or I end up feeling bad when I shouldnt have to. Yeah, im SO fucking DONE with that bullshit.
Be aware...from this point on, dont say a single thing to me unless you are prepared to hear what I have to say back to ya. Opinions, ideas, jokes, updates, whatever... I will not hold back, because no one seems to hold back from me to spare MY feelings, and if it causes friction...so be it. Fucking cry about it, I dont give a fuck. Im fed up with this shit. People have no problem telling me shit in the harshest fucking way...and yet I'm supposed to be considerate and gentle? FUCK that. No more. I will only give back good energy if that is what is sent my way, if you're gonna be tough, so am I. I dont care anymore, Im tired of feeling stepped on.
Coming to this realization and making this decision put me in a MUCH better mood.
Then I found these!!! and they totally brightened my day cuz their funny.
J-E-L-L.....OOOOOHHH SNAP!
(old, but worth a re-post)
this one...well, it spoke to my inner frustration. haha
LATER BITCHES!!!
February 24, 2009
I Want Off this Ride.
Okay, I'm going to let you know right now, from jump, I am not a happy camper. This is not going to be a fun or uplifting post. This is going to be a sad, emo, boo-boo-kitty face post. If you don't want to know the darker side of Andru, bail out now, and no one will blame you and I won't take it personally. If you want something more entertaining than a fat ass homo unloading his frustrations...I suggest www.awesomezara.com , she is a dear friend of mine, and she is also amazing.
Here we go...
I want off this ride, I'm done. I'm over it. I'm sick to death of dealing with the same fucking bullshit over and over. If I could think of a more expressive word for my frustration than "fuck" I would use it, but let's face it, I'm not that mother fucking smart. So "fuck" it is.
I fucking hate this mother fucking cycle. I'm sick..TO DEATH.. of working jobs I hate, with people I mildly tolerate (with a few exceptions...hi Hillary A.) and have to work in sub par conditions. Can I just tell you ho w much rat shit is found in my office? OMG its horrible, and its in the kitchen too! SICK! If one more fucking douchebag cunt calls me and says "uh well I don't wanna have to go elsewhere but I mean, if you can't (give me exactly what I want, when I want it, how I want it) then...*sigh* well I dunno blah blah blah" Im gonna snap. Im gonna yell into the phone "GOOD. GO. CALL SOMEONE ELSE YOU SELFISH STUCK UP DEMANDING COW! GOOD RIDDANCE!!" If I have to hear one more whiny technician complain about their route, guess what, I'll send their mother fucking asses home! I will give their jobs to technicians who WANT to work. I'm sick of coddling these middle aged and older, men. Fuck Off!
I have made formal complaints about employees behavior and how it is negatively effecting my job, my performance, and the flow in which my jobs are done, and nothing happens. Go back a few posts and read the one about "Linda Portanova" that bitch is the worst and I hate her....but the last time my co-worker and I issued a formal complaint to our boss, he looked us in the face and said "Nothing will be done, that's how she is and the owners don't care." So she is allowed to try and get people fired, to ruin projects, to sabotage our jobs and thus sabotage the company, and the income...and that's ok. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS? I am having panic attacks or anxiety attacks but all I know is that whatever I'm experiencing is violent and painful and causing crazy vomiting and stress...my hair is falling out and thinning and an even more rapid pace than it ever has, my skin is going hay-wire, I'm living in a constant state of anxiety, pain, and frustration. This is not healthy. First of all, even though I have medical insurance, its ridiculous and useless in my case, here's why: I have a medical reimbursement plan...meaning that I am covered for a bunch of crap, but i have to PAY FOR EVERYTHING, OUT OF POCKET, UP FRONT...then submit claims, and hope to get it back from the insurance company. Not only do I live the pathetic paycheck to paycheck life, but I just found out my hours are getting cut thanks to our economy...I CAN'T PAY FOR NUMEROUS DOCTORS VISITS, then wait god only knows how long to get the money back from the insurance company... **IF** they decide to cover it and pay me back at all!!!!
Its like not having insurance at all. So I am doomed to LIVE WITH THIS. Lets start with my skin. Nevermind that its disgusting to look at, but its P A I N F U L .. between the boils and abscesses on various places of my body that appear, but there is the, not one, not two, but FIVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF ACNE!!! Yes, lucky me, I don't have just one type, no no, I get the variety pack.
There is your standard acne, normal zits, blackheads, etc..
Bacterial acne...where your skin reacts and inflames due to bacteria...not just dirt (it basically like being allergic to air)
Acne Keloidalis...acne in hair follicles usually on the back of your head and neck but also found in various other parts of the body
Nodular Acne... the deep cystic, deforming kind of acne usually only treatable with Accutane...the single most difficult drug to get your hands on...fucking heroin is easier to get than Accutane.
Staph Reactive Acne... we all have a certain amount of "staph" on our skin and bodies...my body is allergic to its own staph. Making me allergic to my own sweat, oil, etc...so if there is a tiny break in my skin, the staph moves right in and presto! a golf ball sized swollen and incredibly painful, ugly, and scarring abscess appears, tortures me for a few weeks, then busts open, bleeds, thus ruining boxer briefs, jeans, shirts, bed sheets, my confidence, and my ability to not hate myself every time I pass a reflective surface. It also ruins any hope I have that maybe someday I'll grow out of it. Im pushing 30, and look like I have the mother fucking plague. When 15 yr old's are like "dude...Clearasil" god should step in, prove his existence, and be like "Aww dude...what the hell happened to your skin...here let me fix it." Cuz God is a surfer in my mind. THIS IS MY FUCKING EXISTENCE. Who lives like this?
I'm not even allowed to have a breakdown, FUCKING RENT IS DUE IN A WEEK CUZ FUCKING FEBRUARY HAD TO HAVE 3 FEWER DAYS THAN ANY OTHER MONTH...LAZY FUCKING FEBRUARY, SO RENT IS DUE, AND I CANT HAVE A COMPLETE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN...CUZ I CANT AFFORD THE MOTHER FUCKING TIME OFF. SO ... I'm forced to sit at my desk, lump in my throat, blood pressure going thru the roof, ready to explode, yell, scream, cry, and run outta here like deranged cheerleader who didn't get voted prom queen.
This effects every aspect of my life. If effects whether or not I want to leave my apartment, cuz I don;t want my friends to look at my face and be like "aww that looks like it hurts" cuz I just don't wanna think about it. I would love to see Mike and hang out and spend time together, but I don't want him to see me looking like I have the plague...fuck that, I want him to LIKE ME...not be grossed out. Hell I'm not even sure whats up with Mike and I anyway... this feels just like every other guy I ever liked...I'm into it, I'm thinking about him all the time, I'm trying to spend time or make time or be flirty...and he just seems...like he is over it. Besides, he can do SO much better than me. I'm a fucking trainwreck and he is gorgeous, sexy, smart, and I know he isn't lacking options, there are tons of bears out there who are sexier and better looking, with CLEAR COMPLEXIONS and normal looking facial hair, who aren't having nervous breakdowns...why would he bother with me? Here is the thing, I think he is amazing. He is smart and funny and interesting and sooooooo sexy, and the situation...is complicated, and I have swallowing my emotions, my words, my actions, my desires, and my wanting to be with him, so as not to scare him off, or push him too hard, or anything like that...because there is something about him. He makes me..weak in the knees, he makes me smile for no reason, he makes me awkward and nervous. I really like him.
Knowing my luck, he will randomly decide to check out my blog and read this... great. Now I'm a fucking head case on top of living 3 hours away, being emotional and being more into him than he is into me...ok well maybe that last thing was more my insecurities, cuz I don't know that for sure...but hey, what if I'm right.
Whatever, this is me, love it or shove it. Sometimes I'm a god damned fucking trainwreck.
It doesn't just end there people...oh no. The issues continue.
I have people in my life, friends, acquaintances, whatever....these people are becoming toxic. For the most part I have removed these people, people like Jerry, F.U.P.A. Nazi bigoted Hillary, Rudy, to name a few...and let me be clear, I have nothing against Rudy, I miss him to be quite honest, but I couldn't handle his downward slide anymore. I knew he was unhappy, but I had tried and tried to help him and he just continued to half ass his efforts to fix his situation, and I couldn't take it anymore. On top of that he was slipping into crazy town for a minute there...he was losing his grip, and was lashing out at people, he was rambling off about making memories and how our CORE group of friends needs to reconnect...and the weird thing is, there is no CORE. It's not like 3 or 4 of us were born at the same time and haven't been apart since birth, we have all met at different times, and developed different relationships, and we all came together, but people grow apart, people have lives, people work, people have school, there is just no way to secure a friendship sometimes, sometimes its just meant to fade.
I hear that Rudy is well, and I hope that he is, but he saw two friends of mine, and each time, wouldn't talk to either of them, and was giving them dirty looks, and that's not ok with me. Katie and Jamie really didn't do anything to deserve that...so I figure, alright, this is the path Rudy has chosen, let him walk it alone.
Moving on...I am seeing my relationships with some people changing, and fading, and I don't feel right around them anymore. I just... I guess I have to accept the fact that I am not meant to have this friendship anymore, or at least not for much longer. I hate it but I accept it.
So between my friendships and the dynamics of my life changing, my fucked up job, with my fucked up co workers (with a few exceptions), my BEYOND fucked up skin that is literally revolting against me, and you would know what I mean if I showed you EVERYTHING I have to live with as far as my skin is concerned, the anxiety of getting past the hurdles for school, or I should say, to even get INTO college, having to try to pay for doctors, prescriptions, on top of normal daily life expenses... OH AND DID I MENTION MY HOURS AT WORK ARE BEING CUT BACK 7.5 HOURS A WEEK??? yeah is basically like taking a day off of work every week. yeah.
Seriously? I have joked about this before but ya know, I think it's not a joke, I think its a fucking FACT. God hates me. He has always hated me. And people wonder why I don't don't believe in religion and god and a higher power. Cuz prayers don't work, at least mine never did, and that whole bullshit about "as long as you're a good person, good things will happen to you." That is the biggest load of horse shit I have ever heard in my life. Let me tell you the truth:
Bad people get what they want.
Assholes get ahead.
It doesn't matter how good a fucking person you are, if you are destined for shit, guess what, you're getting shit.
Remember, we're all in this....ALONE.
Romantic movies are the biggest LIE you will ever believe.
There is no prince charming, cuz no one is perfect.
There is a logical and scientific explanation for EVERYTHING, and if you fool yourself into believing otherwise, that's just it...you are fooling YOURSELF. It's not a miracle, its a circumstance that works to your advantage.
YES I'M FUCKING BITTER TODAY. I'M NOT A FUCKING OPTIMIST. I TRY...god do I try, but when its thrown back in my face, its kind of hard to continue thinking "things will get better." BULLSHIT. they don't.
I want off, lemme off this ride, I'm done...I'm just...done.
Here we go...
I want off this ride, I'm done. I'm over it. I'm sick to death of dealing with the same fucking bullshit over and over. If I could think of a more expressive word for my frustration than "fuck" I would use it, but let's face it, I'm not that mother fucking smart. So "fuck" it is.
I fucking hate this mother fucking cycle. I'm sick..TO DEATH.. of working jobs I hate, with people I mildly tolerate (with a few exceptions...hi Hillary A.) and have to work in sub par conditions. Can I just tell you ho w much rat shit is found in my office? OMG its horrible, and its in the kitchen too! SICK! If one more fucking douchebag cunt calls me and says "uh well I don't wanna have to go elsewhere but I mean, if you can't (give me exactly what I want, when I want it, how I want it) then...*sigh* well I dunno blah blah blah" Im gonna snap. Im gonna yell into the phone "GOOD. GO. CALL SOMEONE ELSE YOU SELFISH STUCK UP DEMANDING COW! GOOD RIDDANCE!!" If I have to hear one more whiny technician complain about their route, guess what, I'll send their mother fucking asses home! I will give their jobs to technicians who WANT to work. I'm sick of coddling these middle aged and older, men. Fuck Off!
I have made formal complaints about employees behavior and how it is negatively effecting my job, my performance, and the flow in which my jobs are done, and nothing happens. Go back a few posts and read the one about "Linda Portanova" that bitch is the worst and I hate her....but the last time my co-worker and I issued a formal complaint to our boss, he looked us in the face and said "Nothing will be done, that's how she is and the owners don't care." So she is allowed to try and get people fired, to ruin projects, to sabotage our jobs and thus sabotage the company, and the income...and that's ok. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS? I am having panic attacks or anxiety attacks but all I know is that whatever I'm experiencing is violent and painful and causing crazy vomiting and stress...my hair is falling out and thinning and an even more rapid pace than it ever has, my skin is going hay-wire, I'm living in a constant state of anxiety, pain, and frustration. This is not healthy. First of all, even though I have medical insurance, its ridiculous and useless in my case, here's why: I have a medical reimbursement plan...meaning that I am covered for a bunch of crap, but i have to PAY FOR EVERYTHING, OUT OF POCKET, UP FRONT...then submit claims, and hope to get it back from the insurance company. Not only do I live the pathetic paycheck to paycheck life, but I just found out my hours are getting cut thanks to our economy...I CAN'T PAY FOR NUMEROUS DOCTORS VISITS, then wait god only knows how long to get the money back from the insurance company... **IF** they decide to cover it and pay me back at all!!!!
Its like not having insurance at all. So I am doomed to LIVE WITH THIS. Lets start with my skin. Nevermind that its disgusting to look at, but its P A I N F U L .. between the boils and abscesses on various places of my body that appear, but there is the, not one, not two, but FIVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF ACNE!!! Yes, lucky me, I don't have just one type, no no, I get the variety pack.
There is your standard acne, normal zits, blackheads, etc..
Bacterial acne...where your skin reacts and inflames due to bacteria...not just dirt (it basically like being allergic to air)
Acne Keloidalis...acne in hair follicles usually on the back of your head and neck but also found in various other parts of the body
Nodular Acne... the deep cystic, deforming kind of acne usually only treatable with Accutane...the single most difficult drug to get your hands on...fucking heroin is easier to get than Accutane.
Staph Reactive Acne... we all have a certain amount of "staph" on our skin and bodies...my body is allergic to its own staph. Making me allergic to my own sweat, oil, etc...so if there is a tiny break in my skin, the staph moves right in and presto! a golf ball sized swollen and incredibly painful, ugly, and scarring abscess appears, tortures me for a few weeks, then busts open, bleeds, thus ruining boxer briefs, jeans, shirts, bed sheets, my confidence, and my ability to not hate myself every time I pass a reflective surface. It also ruins any hope I have that maybe someday I'll grow out of it. Im pushing 30, and look like I have the mother fucking plague. When 15 yr old's are like "dude...Clearasil" god should step in, prove his existence, and be like "Aww dude...what the hell happened to your skin...here let me fix it." Cuz God is a surfer in my mind. THIS IS MY FUCKING EXISTENCE. Who lives like this?
I'm not even allowed to have a breakdown, FUCKING RENT IS DUE IN A WEEK CUZ FUCKING FEBRUARY HAD TO HAVE 3 FEWER DAYS THAN ANY OTHER MONTH...LAZY FUCKING FEBRUARY, SO RENT IS DUE, AND I CANT HAVE A COMPLETE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN...CUZ I CANT AFFORD THE MOTHER FUCKING TIME OFF. SO ... I'm forced to sit at my desk, lump in my throat, blood pressure going thru the roof, ready to explode, yell, scream, cry, and run outta here like deranged cheerleader who didn't get voted prom queen.
This effects every aspect of my life. If effects whether or not I want to leave my apartment, cuz I don;t want my friends to look at my face and be like "aww that looks like it hurts" cuz I just don't wanna think about it. I would love to see Mike and hang out and spend time together, but I don't want him to see me looking like I have the plague...fuck that, I want him to LIKE ME...not be grossed out. Hell I'm not even sure whats up with Mike and I anyway... this feels just like every other guy I ever liked...I'm into it, I'm thinking about him all the time, I'm trying to spend time or make time or be flirty...and he just seems...like he is over it. Besides, he can do SO much better than me. I'm a fucking trainwreck and he is gorgeous, sexy, smart, and I know he isn't lacking options, there are tons of bears out there who are sexier and better looking, with CLEAR COMPLEXIONS and normal looking facial hair, who aren't having nervous breakdowns...why would he bother with me? Here is the thing, I think he is amazing. He is smart and funny and interesting and sooooooo sexy, and the situation...is complicated, and I have swallowing my emotions, my words, my actions, my desires, and my wanting to be with him, so as not to scare him off, or push him too hard, or anything like that...because there is something about him. He makes me..weak in the knees, he makes me smile for no reason, he makes me awkward and nervous. I really like him.
Knowing my luck, he will randomly decide to check out my blog and read this... great. Now I'm a fucking head case on top of living 3 hours away, being emotional and being more into him than he is into me...ok well maybe that last thing was more my insecurities, cuz I don't know that for sure...but hey, what if I'm right.
Whatever, this is me, love it or shove it. Sometimes I'm a god damned fucking trainwreck.
It doesn't just end there people...oh no. The issues continue.
I have people in my life, friends, acquaintances, whatever....these people are becoming toxic. For the most part I have removed these people, people like Jerry, F.U.P.A. Nazi bigoted Hillary, Rudy, to name a few...and let me be clear, I have nothing against Rudy, I miss him to be quite honest, but I couldn't handle his downward slide anymore. I knew he was unhappy, but I had tried and tried to help him and he just continued to half ass his efforts to fix his situation, and I couldn't take it anymore. On top of that he was slipping into crazy town for a minute there...he was losing his grip, and was lashing out at people, he was rambling off about making memories and how our CORE group of friends needs to reconnect...and the weird thing is, there is no CORE. It's not like 3 or 4 of us were born at the same time and haven't been apart since birth, we have all met at different times, and developed different relationships, and we all came together, but people grow apart, people have lives, people work, people have school, there is just no way to secure a friendship sometimes, sometimes its just meant to fade.
I hear that Rudy is well, and I hope that he is, but he saw two friends of mine, and each time, wouldn't talk to either of them, and was giving them dirty looks, and that's not ok with me. Katie and Jamie really didn't do anything to deserve that...so I figure, alright, this is the path Rudy has chosen, let him walk it alone.
Moving on...I am seeing my relationships with some people changing, and fading, and I don't feel right around them anymore. I just... I guess I have to accept the fact that I am not meant to have this friendship anymore, or at least not for much longer. I hate it but I accept it.
So between my friendships and the dynamics of my life changing, my fucked up job, with my fucked up co workers (with a few exceptions), my BEYOND fucked up skin that is literally revolting against me, and you would know what I mean if I showed you EVERYTHING I have to live with as far as my skin is concerned, the anxiety of getting past the hurdles for school, or I should say, to even get INTO college, having to try to pay for doctors, prescriptions, on top of normal daily life expenses... OH AND DID I MENTION MY HOURS AT WORK ARE BEING CUT BACK 7.5 HOURS A WEEK??? yeah is basically like taking a day off of work every week. yeah.
Seriously? I have joked about this before but ya know, I think it's not a joke, I think its a fucking FACT. God hates me. He has always hated me. And people wonder why I don't don't believe in religion and god and a higher power. Cuz prayers don't work, at least mine never did, and that whole bullshit about "as long as you're a good person, good things will happen to you." That is the biggest load of horse shit I have ever heard in my life. Let me tell you the truth:
Bad people get what they want.
Assholes get ahead.
It doesn't matter how good a fucking person you are, if you are destined for shit, guess what, you're getting shit.
Remember, we're all in this....ALONE.
Romantic movies are the biggest LIE you will ever believe.
There is no prince charming, cuz no one is perfect.
There is a logical and scientific explanation for EVERYTHING, and if you fool yourself into believing otherwise, that's just it...you are fooling YOURSELF. It's not a miracle, its a circumstance that works to your advantage.
YES I'M FUCKING BITTER TODAY. I'M NOT A FUCKING OPTIMIST. I TRY...god do I try, but when its thrown back in my face, its kind of hard to continue thinking "things will get better." BULLSHIT. they don't.
I want off, lemme off this ride, I'm done...I'm just...done.
February 23, 2009
Over It
Well, once again the I have too much on my plate, and too much uncertainty in my life, and I HATE that.
Will I make it?
Should I do/not do this?
Should I go?
Should I bother?
Does he really like me or just..whatever?
Am I focusing too much energy on this?
Am I overreacting?
Am I under-reacting?
Will this stay?
Am I getting my hopes up for nothing?
Is this the right choice?
Will I epically fail?
That last question is usually the easiest to answer..."yes"
I hate not knowing. I wish everyone or everything would just be like "hey this is whats up with me and you, and this situation" so I don't either say or do the wrong thing. I freaking HATE second guessing myself, I hate it even more when I second guess myself BEFORE I even make the choice.
There are situations where I just want to be like "hey, whats the deal?" but Im so afraid that by doing so, I will have ruined what could have been good and right. So instead I sit and I stew on it. Making myself feel worse. Its enough to drive a person to drinking. HA. I wish I enjoyed alcohol more...I don't. I love a glass of wine or a light mixed drink, but I always regret it the SECOND I have too much. What's fun about that? *sigh* Kinda makes me long for the past, when my only cares were getting stoned and having munchies. No responsibility, no cares, no bills, no credit checks, no judgment of my life. Just marijuana and golden grahams...and T.V.
*ugh* so lame. The worst part is, that I argue with myself!! I say to myself: "Self, just ..let it go! If you're not happy with something or someone and you aren't getting what you want out of the situation, tell it/them/him/her to kick rocks and gets to steppin." But then I think..."but if I do that, what if it was meant to be and I just ruined it?"
No wonder I'm losing my hair.
I've heard about people who just pack their cars and pick a direction and take off. start over somewhere new. How do they do it? Cuz in my mind, i would wonder "how would get a place to stay with out first, last, security deposit, where would you work? how do they survive? don't they have cell phone bills, car payments?? how do they do it?"
Money. That's all I can think of, money must be attainable for them. I would like to figure out how to just "have" money, and not EARN it. Well that's not very likely so I might as well accept the mediocrity of reality, stop watching romantic comedies cuz THAT SHIT will never happen in real life, and now that I mention it, I want to say, I think its bullshit that in EVERY movie...regardless of genre, EVER movie...love or a relationship is a focus of the film. I want to watch a feel good movie about amphetamines in the world of gangs...there is ALWAYS the one guy who wants whats best for his life, because the gang is affecting his beloved chola...and their 14 kids. I try to watch a stoner comedy...the stoner ends up falling in love with his impossibly hot large breasted boss/friend/neighbor/milf of some sort....Im like..OK, this is not acceptable. This is HERESY.
I'm starting to remember why I stopped talking to guys, why I stopped trying to further my education, why I stopped trying to hold onto people, places, and things longer than I should.
But the reality of this situation is that regardless of what I have done in the past, I can't keep doing the same thing over and over. The definition of "insanity" is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome. The bottom line is, unless I change and evolve, I will never be happy. Unless I just "do it" nothing will get better. If I avoid men, I will never meet the right one. If I try to hold onto friends or acquaintances when its clear that they are no longer a pivotal part of my life...I will never be able to learn to live without them, and not be able to change what kind of friend I am.
One of the few things I have realized is that I am not the same. I have changed, and I still changing, and I will continue to change, and if that is what is meant to happen then so be it.
Evolution happens, whether we are prepared for it or not. People change, people grow apart, people are layered and complicated, no matter how they present themselves to you, there is so much more.
There is more to me than meets the eye. I am more than a funny one liner, I am more than a cuddly bear, I am more than a fag or queen or sissy, I am more than a good kisser, I am more than you know. Hell I am more than my closest friends even know. This may be hard for a lot of people to believe, but no matter how well you know me...you don't know it all.
Things are changing, accept it and go with it, or get the fuck out of my way...I got places to be. :-)
Will I make it?
Should I do/not do this?
Should I go?
Should I bother?
Does he really like me or just..whatever?
Am I focusing too much energy on this?
Am I overreacting?
Am I under-reacting?
Will this stay?
Am I getting my hopes up for nothing?
Is this the right choice?
Will I epically fail?
That last question is usually the easiest to answer..."yes"
I hate not knowing. I wish everyone or everything would just be like "hey this is whats up with me and you, and this situation" so I don't either say or do the wrong thing. I freaking HATE second guessing myself, I hate it even more when I second guess myself BEFORE I even make the choice.
There are situations where I just want to be like "hey, whats the deal?" but Im so afraid that by doing so, I will have ruined what could have been good and right. So instead I sit and I stew on it. Making myself feel worse. Its enough to drive a person to drinking. HA. I wish I enjoyed alcohol more...I don't. I love a glass of wine or a light mixed drink, but I always regret it the SECOND I have too much. What's fun about that? *sigh* Kinda makes me long for the past, when my only cares were getting stoned and having munchies. No responsibility, no cares, no bills, no credit checks, no judgment of my life. Just marijuana and golden grahams...and T.V.
*ugh* so lame. The worst part is, that I argue with myself!! I say to myself: "Self, just ..let it go! If you're not happy with something or someone and you aren't getting what you want out of the situation, tell it/them/him/her to kick rocks and gets to steppin." But then I think..."but if I do that, what if it was meant to be and I just ruined it?"
No wonder I'm losing my hair.
I've heard about people who just pack their cars and pick a direction and take off. start over somewhere new. How do they do it? Cuz in my mind, i would wonder "how would get a place to stay with out first, last, security deposit, where would you work? how do they survive? don't they have cell phone bills, car payments?? how do they do it?"
Money. That's all I can think of, money must be attainable for them. I would like to figure out how to just "have" money, and not EARN it. Well that's not very likely so I might as well accept the mediocrity of reality, stop watching romantic comedies cuz THAT SHIT will never happen in real life, and now that I mention it, I want to say, I think its bullshit that in EVERY movie...regardless of genre, EVER movie...love or a relationship is a focus of the film. I want to watch a feel good movie about amphetamines in the world of gangs...there is ALWAYS the one guy who wants whats best for his life, because the gang is affecting his beloved chola...and their 14 kids. I try to watch a stoner comedy...the stoner ends up falling in love with his impossibly hot large breasted boss/friend/neighbor/milf of some sort....Im like..OK, this is not acceptable. This is HERESY.
I'm starting to remember why I stopped talking to guys, why I stopped trying to further my education, why I stopped trying to hold onto people, places, and things longer than I should.
But the reality of this situation is that regardless of what I have done in the past, I can't keep doing the same thing over and over. The definition of "insanity" is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome. The bottom line is, unless I change and evolve, I will never be happy. Unless I just "do it" nothing will get better. If I avoid men, I will never meet the right one. If I try to hold onto friends or acquaintances when its clear that they are no longer a pivotal part of my life...I will never be able to learn to live without them, and not be able to change what kind of friend I am.
One of the few things I have realized is that I am not the same. I have changed, and I still changing, and I will continue to change, and if that is what is meant to happen then so be it.
Evolution happens, whether we are prepared for it or not. People change, people grow apart, people are layered and complicated, no matter how they present themselves to you, there is so much more.
There is more to me than meets the eye. I am more than a funny one liner, I am more than a cuddly bear, I am more than a fag or queen or sissy, I am more than a good kisser, I am more than you know. Hell I am more than my closest friends even know. This may be hard for a lot of people to believe, but no matter how well you know me...you don't know it all.
Things are changing, accept it and go with it, or get the fuck out of my way...I got places to be. :-)
February 20, 2009
Seriously? More hatred from Utah?
As if the rest of us NEED more of a reason to despise Utah... I know there are good people in Utah, there are good people everywhere...but I mean COME...ON. There is already a stereo type about Utahns...why make it worse? *sigh* on yeah, cuz these people are fucking idiots.
I just heard an unbelievable interview where State Senator Chris
Buttars of Utah called LGBT Americans "probably the greatest
threat to America...I know of."
With the country fighting two wars and the economy in freefall,
you'd think there would be other things that would keep Sen.
Buttars up at night.
Don't let them get away with ignorant homophobia. Click below to
tell the President of the Utah Senate that Sen. Buttars should
be condemned or censured.
http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/campaign/buttars
Words matter. They can't just be laughed of shrugged off. In the
same interview, Sen. Buttars also called homosexuals "the
meanest buggers I've ever seen." That's exactly the kind of
rhetoric that creates an atmosphere conducive to violent hate
crimes.
Will Utah's leaders turn a blind eye? Will they tolerate open
bigotry? Write to them today and demand accountability.
http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/campaign/buttars
I just heard an unbelievable interview where State Senator Chris
Buttars of Utah called LGBT Americans "probably the greatest
threat to America...I know of."
With the country fighting two wars and the economy in freefall,
you'd think there would be other things that would keep Sen.
Buttars up at night.
Don't let them get away with ignorant homophobia. Click below to
tell the President of the Utah Senate that Sen. Buttars should
be condemned or censured.
http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/campaign/buttars
Words matter. They can't just be laughed of shrugged off. In the
same interview, Sen. Buttars also called homosexuals "the
meanest buggers I've ever seen." That's exactly the kind of
rhetoric that creates an atmosphere conducive to violent hate
crimes.
Will Utah's leaders turn a blind eye? Will they tolerate open
bigotry? Write to them today and demand accountability.
http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/campaign/buttars
February 19, 2009
Tutorial: The Day We Fought Back
STONEWALL.
The Stonewall riots were a series of spontaneous, violent demonstrations against a police raid that took place in the early morning hours of June 28, 1969 at the Stonewall Inn, in the Greenwich Village neighborhood of New York City. They are frequently cited as the first instance in American history when gays and lesbians fought back against a government-sponsored system that persecuted homosexuals, and they have become the defining event that marked the start of the gay rights movement in the United States and around the world.
American gays and lesbians in the 1950s and 1960s faced a legal system more anti-homosexual than those of some Warsaw Pact countries. Early homophile groups in the U.S. sought to prove that gay people could be assimilated into society, and they favored non-confrontational education for homosexuals and heterosexuals alike. The last years of the 1960s, however, were very contentious, as many social movements were active, including the African American Civil Rights Movement, the Counterculture of the 1960s, and antiwar demonstrations. These influences, along with the liberal environment of Greenwich Village, served as catalysts for the Stonewall riots.
Very few establishments welcomed openly gay people in the 1950s and 1960s. Those that did were often bars, although bar owners and managers were rarely gay. The Stonewall Inn, at the time, was owned by the Mafia. It catered to an assortment of patrons, but it was known to be popular with the most marginalized people in the gay community: transvestites, effeminate young men, hustlers, and homeless youth. Police raids on gay bars were routine in the 1960s, but officers quickly lost control of the situation at the Stonewall Inn, and attracted a crowd that was incited to riot. Tensions between New York City police and gay residents of Greenwich Village erupted into more protests the next evening, and again several nights later. Within weeks, Village residents quickly organized into activist groups to concentrate efforts on establishing places for gays and lesbians to be open about their sexual orientation without fear of being arrested.
After the Stonewall riots, gays and lesbians in New York City faced gender, class, and generational obstacles to becoming a cohesive community. Within six months, two gay activist organizations were formed in New York, concentrating on confrontational tactics, and three newspapers were established to promote rights for gays and lesbians. Within a few years, gay rights organizations were founded across the U.S. and the world. On June 28, 1970, the first Gay Pride marches took place in Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, and San Francisco commemorating the anniversary of the riots. Similar marches were organized in other cities; today Gay Pride events are held annually throughout the world toward the end of June to mark the Stonewall riots.
The Stonewall riots were a series of spontaneous, violent demonstrations against a police raid that took place in the early morning hours of June 28, 1969 at the Stonewall Inn, in the Greenwich Village neighborhood of New York City. They are frequently cited as the first instance in American history when gays and lesbians fought back against a government-sponsored system that persecuted homosexuals, and they have become the defining event that marked the start of the gay rights movement in the United States and around the world.
American gays and lesbians in the 1950s and 1960s faced a legal system more anti-homosexual than those of some Warsaw Pact countries. Early homophile groups in the U.S. sought to prove that gay people could be assimilated into society, and they favored non-confrontational education for homosexuals and heterosexuals alike. The last years of the 1960s, however, were very contentious, as many social movements were active, including the African American Civil Rights Movement, the Counterculture of the 1960s, and antiwar demonstrations. These influences, along with the liberal environment of Greenwich Village, served as catalysts for the Stonewall riots.
Very few establishments welcomed openly gay people in the 1950s and 1960s. Those that did were often bars, although bar owners and managers were rarely gay. The Stonewall Inn, at the time, was owned by the Mafia. It catered to an assortment of patrons, but it was known to be popular with the most marginalized people in the gay community: transvestites, effeminate young men, hustlers, and homeless youth. Police raids on gay bars were routine in the 1960s, but officers quickly lost control of the situation at the Stonewall Inn, and attracted a crowd that was incited to riot. Tensions between New York City police and gay residents of Greenwich Village erupted into more protests the next evening, and again several nights later. Within weeks, Village residents quickly organized into activist groups to concentrate efforts on establishing places for gays and lesbians to be open about their sexual orientation without fear of being arrested.
After the Stonewall riots, gays and lesbians in New York City faced gender, class, and generational obstacles to becoming a cohesive community. Within six months, two gay activist organizations were formed in New York, concentrating on confrontational tactics, and three newspapers were established to promote rights for gays and lesbians. Within a few years, gay rights organizations were founded across the U.S. and the world. On June 28, 1970, the first Gay Pride marches took place in Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, and San Francisco commemorating the anniversary of the riots. Similar marches were organized in other cities; today Gay Pride events are held annually throughout the world toward the end of June to mark the Stonewall riots.
February 16, 2009
Viva La Musica
More music, I've been finding alot of good stuff lately...
Emiliana Torrini - Big Jumps
Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate
Jonatha Brooke - War
Jonatha Brooke - What We Are
Solange Knowles - Sandcastle Disco
Blaque - Ugly
ok so this list is short, but its GOOD.
Jonatha Brooke has become one of my top favorite artists. She is amazing.
You can find her music on Yahoo Launch (launch.yahoo.com)and on Myspace.
Emiliana Torrini - Big Jumps
Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate
Jonatha Brooke - War
Jonatha Brooke - What We Are
Solange Knowles - Sandcastle Disco
Blaque - Ugly
ok so this list is short, but its GOOD.
Jonatha Brooke has become one of my top favorite artists. She is amazing.
You can find her music on Yahoo Launch (launch.yahoo.com)and on Myspace.
February 11, 2009
She must not know about me...
bitch, you better ask somebody.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT LINDA PORTONOVA.
I work with this miserable old spinster, and all I can say is that she is atrocious. She has the ability to be nice and polite, but I have learned that it is entirely fake. She is a back stabber, a shit talker, and the worst part is that she has been with the company so freaking long that the owners would rather just put up her than fire her ass. So she gets to throw people under buses and talk shit and make all the mistakes she wants...because she has job security.
I first noticed her issues back when I was a temp. She would be all sticky sweet on the phone with vendors or customers "oh sure sweety, you're welcome! you have a great day!" *hangs up phone* "ya fuckin idiot."
Umm, ok weird. SO then, I find out the shit talking is not exclusive to the customers. She talks about all of us. She called Stuart (owner) an unreliable flake, she said Bo (Other Owner) is a Boar with no personality, Tom (my boss) is an idiot, Hillary (co-dispatcher) would be fine if she would stop twitching and flopping on the ground (She has the occasional seizure), all of our techs are idiots for one reason or another according to Linda, and me...well she has it out for me. I'm a YUTZ, she blamed a bunch of HER fuck ups on ME, if the phone rings and its me calling she immediately starts talking shit saying "oh he is gonna call in sick, oh my god, his days are numbered" and I'm calling to let my boss know there is an accident and to let the techs know to avoid the freeway if they are in the area...ya know, courtesy. Yeah, I don't know what it is she has against me, but she does, and she makes it known to everyone EXCEPT ME...she seems to think that I don't find out all the shit she says about me. And then she has the audacity to act all nice to my face! She must not know about me, she'd better ask somebody cuz I didn't come here to play. She is trying to endanger my job, which is the same as trying to steal money from me, and that an offense punishable by DEATH. Don't fuck with my money.
I have talked with my boss about it, and all Im told is "there's nothing we can do, they wont fire her, it is what it is."
And when you have a recurring problem with behavior of an employee, something needs to be done, or said. It needs to be addressed.
Im just waiting for her to mention something about my being gay...oh lord help her if I catch wind of that. I will have a lawyer down her throat so fast. And I will notify my boss of it, and if no disciplinary action is taken, I will have this company in a courtroom too. I don't fuck around.
Anyway, she talks a big game about how stupid everyone is, then she is nice to their faces, she bitches and whines about everything then does nothing about it. Then ya know, when you have a tragedy in your life, or youre sick, all she can say is how weak you are and how "oh god someone died so he/she is gonna take a week off..uggghhh" but she cried her eyes out all day and had US pick up the slack because her senile mother is being put in a home so that she wont hurt herself....isn't that a good thing?
This woman's whole life revolves around Dog Rescue. Which is noble, but omg there is a reason why you are alone lady, cuz you have no personality to speak of, and you are all wrapped up in ...dogs. Just be the crazy neighborhood dog lady and call it a day, stop trying to be a person...be the crazy dog lady you nut bag. She loves animals because they aren't mentally equipped to understand how big a bitch she is. Animals tend to love unconditionally. Which she won't find in any human companion, because she is a BITCH.
So if you ever meet this poorly dressed white trash mess whose license plate says "milk maid"...be sure to let her fake ass know you see right through her.
OH and when she is nervous, her eye twitches...its funny to see people make her nervous. haha
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT LINDA PORTONOVA.
I work with this miserable old spinster, and all I can say is that she is atrocious. She has the ability to be nice and polite, but I have learned that it is entirely fake. She is a back stabber, a shit talker, and the worst part is that she has been with the company so freaking long that the owners would rather just put up her than fire her ass. So she gets to throw people under buses and talk shit and make all the mistakes she wants...because she has job security.
I first noticed her issues back when I was a temp. She would be all sticky sweet on the phone with vendors or customers "oh sure sweety, you're welcome! you have a great day!" *hangs up phone* "ya fuckin idiot."
Umm, ok weird. SO then, I find out the shit talking is not exclusive to the customers. She talks about all of us. She called Stuart (owner) an unreliable flake, she said Bo (Other Owner) is a Boar with no personality, Tom (my boss) is an idiot, Hillary (co-dispatcher) would be fine if she would stop twitching and flopping on the ground (She has the occasional seizure), all of our techs are idiots for one reason or another according to Linda, and me...well she has it out for me. I'm a YUTZ, she blamed a bunch of HER fuck ups on ME, if the phone rings and its me calling she immediately starts talking shit saying "oh he is gonna call in sick, oh my god, his days are numbered" and I'm calling to let my boss know there is an accident and to let the techs know to avoid the freeway if they are in the area...ya know, courtesy. Yeah, I don't know what it is she has against me, but she does, and she makes it known to everyone EXCEPT ME...she seems to think that I don't find out all the shit she says about me. And then she has the audacity to act all nice to my face! She must not know about me, she'd better ask somebody cuz I didn't come here to play. She is trying to endanger my job, which is the same as trying to steal money from me, and that an offense punishable by DEATH. Don't fuck with my money.
I have talked with my boss about it, and all Im told is "there's nothing we can do, they wont fire her, it is what it is."
And when you have a recurring problem with behavior of an employee, something needs to be done, or said. It needs to be addressed.
Im just waiting for her to mention something about my being gay...oh lord help her if I catch wind of that. I will have a lawyer down her throat so fast. And I will notify my boss of it, and if no disciplinary action is taken, I will have this company in a courtroom too. I don't fuck around.
Anyway, she talks a big game about how stupid everyone is, then she is nice to their faces, she bitches and whines about everything then does nothing about it. Then ya know, when you have a tragedy in your life, or youre sick, all she can say is how weak you are and how "oh god someone died so he/she is gonna take a week off..uggghhh" but she cried her eyes out all day and had US pick up the slack because her senile mother is being put in a home so that she wont hurt herself....isn't that a good thing?
This woman's whole life revolves around Dog Rescue. Which is noble, but omg there is a reason why you are alone lady, cuz you have no personality to speak of, and you are all wrapped up in ...dogs. Just be the crazy neighborhood dog lady and call it a day, stop trying to be a person...be the crazy dog lady you nut bag. She loves animals because they aren't mentally equipped to understand how big a bitch she is. Animals tend to love unconditionally. Which she won't find in any human companion, because she is a BITCH.
So if you ever meet this poorly dressed white trash mess whose license plate says "milk maid"...be sure to let her fake ass know you see right through her.
OH and when she is nervous, her eye twitches...its funny to see people make her nervous. haha
Prop 8, the Sequal: Mormon Money may not be enough this time.
The fight for marriage equality in 2009 hasn't slowed down at all. We have lots of news in the last month and plenty to look forward to in the next.
- Prop 8: the Sequel, opens March 5 -
All eyes are on California as the battle for marriage equality accelerates in preparation for State Supreme Court arguments on March 5. Ken Starr, the legal architect behind the anti-equality movement, has gone on record suggesting the state should exit the marriage business entirely. Is this a sign he already expects a loss?
In preparation for this battle, we've taken a look at the legal arguments of CA Supreme Court Justice Marvin Baxter, the most strident legal enemy of marriage equality in the Supreme Court decision last May.
- Lies, damn lies, and the Mormon Church -
To no one's surprise, the multi-billion dollar political ringleader of prop 8 donated 100 times more money than previously reported during the election season. Could lying to the election commission be what causes the Mormon Church to lose its tax-exempt status in CA?
As if this deception wasn't enough, during the election the Mormon Church claimed to support full legal rights for gay couples so long as the word "marriage" was reserved for heterosexuals. This was a claim meant to pacify nominal California conservatives whose church told them one thing but conscience another. Now, a bill that would have allowed Utahns to sue if a same-sex partner suffers a wrongful death was killed by Mormon hands.
The church was dealt a blow when its attempts to hide the identities of donors to prop 8 was rejected out of hand by a California judge. "If there ever needs to be sunshine on a political issue, it is with a ballot measure," the Judge ruled. Amen.
- Gay marriage around the Union -
Wyoming has added itself to the auspicious list of states that have shaken off the moral poison of evangelical extremists when the state Senate killed a bill similar to prop 8. Given the dark cloud that hangs over Wyoming as the state that bred the torture and murder of Matthew Shephard, this is a positive step, and proof of the growing strength of the marriage equality cause even in conservative areas.
In New York, the state Senate has said that equality will come in 2010, once the necessary number of votes are secured. This may involve donations in the next New York senate race to deliver the needed votes, so be prepared for future fund raising drives.
Ohio has swung to the right side of the marriage equality battle: a christian church now refuses to grant marriage licenses until marriage equality is a reality for all couples in their state. We need to engage more churches like this to spread our message.
Nationally, support for gay marriage in the US Senate has jumped 300% in the past year. Combine this with the two rulings that raise "serious" constitutional questions about DOMA, and it may mean a full DOMA repeal may not be far away.
Hope/wish/pray for our lawyers who will be fighting our case in March!
- Prop 8: the Sequel, opens March 5 -
All eyes are on California as the battle for marriage equality accelerates in preparation for State Supreme Court arguments on March 5. Ken Starr, the legal architect behind the anti-equality movement, has gone on record suggesting the state should exit the marriage business entirely. Is this a sign he already expects a loss?
In preparation for this battle, we've taken a look at the legal arguments of CA Supreme Court Justice Marvin Baxter, the most strident legal enemy of marriage equality in the Supreme Court decision last May.
- Lies, damn lies, and the Mormon Church -
To no one's surprise, the multi-billion dollar political ringleader of prop 8 donated 100 times more money than previously reported during the election season. Could lying to the election commission be what causes the Mormon Church to lose its tax-exempt status in CA?
As if this deception wasn't enough, during the election the Mormon Church claimed to support full legal rights for gay couples so long as the word "marriage" was reserved for heterosexuals. This was a claim meant to pacify nominal California conservatives whose church told them one thing but conscience another. Now, a bill that would have allowed Utahns to sue if a same-sex partner suffers a wrongful death was killed by Mormon hands.
The church was dealt a blow when its attempts to hide the identities of donors to prop 8 was rejected out of hand by a California judge. "If there ever needs to be sunshine on a political issue, it is with a ballot measure," the Judge ruled. Amen.
- Gay marriage around the Union -
Wyoming has added itself to the auspicious list of states that have shaken off the moral poison of evangelical extremists when the state Senate killed a bill similar to prop 8. Given the dark cloud that hangs over Wyoming as the state that bred the torture and murder of Matthew Shephard, this is a positive step, and proof of the growing strength of the marriage equality cause even in conservative areas.
In New York, the state Senate has said that equality will come in 2010, once the necessary number of votes are secured. This may involve donations in the next New York senate race to deliver the needed votes, so be prepared for future fund raising drives.
Ohio has swung to the right side of the marriage equality battle: a christian church now refuses to grant marriage licenses until marriage equality is a reality for all couples in their state. We need to engage more churches like this to spread our message.
Nationally, support for gay marriage in the US Senate has jumped 300% in the past year. Combine this with the two rulings that raise "serious" constitutional questions about DOMA, and it may mean a full DOMA repeal may not be far away.
Hope/wish/pray for our lawyers who will be fighting our case in March!
February 10, 2009
F.Y.I.
If you ever do business with a company called "Kelsey National"...there is a woman there with a scratchy raspy voice named Michelle..... sock her in the mouth and call her a cunt. Trust me, she deserves it.
FUCK YOU MICHELLE AT KELSEY NATIONAL, FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY YOUR DRIPPING DISEASED FLOPPY CUNT.
ok I feel better now.
FUCK YOU MICHELLE AT KELSEY NATIONAL, FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY YOUR DRIPPING DISEASED FLOPPY CUNT.
ok I feel better now.
February 9, 2009
Viva La Musica
Here's the newest list of Songs I'm loving:
Christina Milian - Us Against the World
Leona Lewis - Better In Time
Natasha Bedingfield - Angel
Howie Day - Madrigals
Toni Braxton - He Wasn't Man Enough
Toby Lightman - My Sweet Song
India Arie - Ready for Love
Vertical Horizon - You Say
Jonatha Brooke - Eye in the Sky
Jonatha Brooke - I'll Try
Jonatha Brooke - Is This All
Missy Higgins - Don't Need a Reason
Missy Higgins - Blind Water
Hope you all give them a listen and enjoy!!
Christina Milian - Us Against the World
Leona Lewis - Better In Time
Natasha Bedingfield - Angel
Howie Day - Madrigals
Toni Braxton - He Wasn't Man Enough
Toby Lightman - My Sweet Song
India Arie - Ready for Love
Vertical Horizon - You Say
Jonatha Brooke - Eye in the Sky
Jonatha Brooke - I'll Try
Jonatha Brooke - Is This All
Missy Higgins - Don't Need a Reason
Missy Higgins - Blind Water
Hope you all give them a listen and enjoy!!
Douche Baggery: Douche Bigotry
KENNETH STAR.... needs to die a horrible, painful death.
First, how creepy are his stubby old fingers...weird, and could he have chosen a GAYER pose for this picture? AssBag
December 2008:
Kenneth W. Starr, the former U.S. Solicitor General who led the inquiry into President Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica L. Lewinsky, will argue the case in favor of upholding a ban on gay marriage before the California Supreme Court.
Starr was today named lead counsel for the official proponents of Proposition 8. This afternoon, the group filed court briefs defending the legality of the proposition, which was approved by 52% of California voters last month throwing into question thousands of marriages performed during the five months the practice was legal in the state.
The briefs are in response to a spate of legal challenges filed by gay rights advocates, including the cities of San Francisco and Los Angeles.
Opponents of the proposition argued that it amounted to a constitutional revision instead of a more limited amendment.
A revision of the state constitution can only go before voters after a two-thirds vote of the Legislature or a constitutional convention. Proposition 8 was put on the ballot after a signature drive. The case poses a series of provocative legal challenges.
The first among them is that California Atty. Gen. Jerry Brown, who opposed Proposition 8 but is legally bound to defend the state’s laws, must now weigh in on the challenge. Brown has in recent days been called upon to declare it a revision. In the past, he has said he plans to “defend the proposition as enacted by the people of California.”
But he has also said he believes that the estimated 18,000 same-sex marriages performed between June and November should remain valid.
Because it did not trust Brown to mount a staunch defense of the proposition, the group Protect Marriage intervened in the case and filed its own brief. It argues that the same-sex marriages are no longer valid. Brown’s briefs are due later today.
The court could hear oral arguments as soon as March.
Feb 2009:
The prosecutor who led the campaign to impeach President Bill Clinton has filed a legal brief -- on behalf of the "Yes on 8" campaign -- that would forcibly divorce the 18,000 same-sex couples married in California last year before the passage of Prop 8.
News broke Tuesday that the state Supreme Court will hear oral arguments on March 5, and will then make a decision within 90 days on the validity of Prop 8 and these 18,000 marriages.
When Starr's legal brief went public in December, the Courage Campaign immediately launched the "Don't Divorce..." campaign, asking our members to send us pictures with a simple message for Starr and the Prop 8 Legal Defense Fund.
Those pictures, and the heartfelt messages on them, inspired blogger Paul Delehanty (also known as "kid oakland") to send us a suggestion: Would Regina Spektor allow us to put your pictures to the words and music of her hit song "Fidelity"? So, we asked her and she said yes, very enthusiastically.
Regina Spektor's song, in concert with your pictures, shines a beautiful light on the 18,000 couples that Ken Starr wants to forcibly divorce.
He is a horrible, wretched excuse for a human being, and I intend to dance, piss, and take a fat dump on his grave when he finally DIES. Who's with me? ROADTRIP!!
First, how creepy are his stubby old fingers...weird, and could he have chosen a GAYER pose for this picture? AssBag
December 2008:
Kenneth W. Starr, the former U.S. Solicitor General who led the inquiry into President Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica L. Lewinsky, will argue the case in favor of upholding a ban on gay marriage before the California Supreme Court.
Starr was today named lead counsel for the official proponents of Proposition 8. This afternoon, the group filed court briefs defending the legality of the proposition, which was approved by 52% of California voters last month throwing into question thousands of marriages performed during the five months the practice was legal in the state.
The briefs are in response to a spate of legal challenges filed by gay rights advocates, including the cities of San Francisco and Los Angeles.
Opponents of the proposition argued that it amounted to a constitutional revision instead of a more limited amendment.
A revision of the state constitution can only go before voters after a two-thirds vote of the Legislature or a constitutional convention. Proposition 8 was put on the ballot after a signature drive. The case poses a series of provocative legal challenges.
The first among them is that California Atty. Gen. Jerry Brown, who opposed Proposition 8 but is legally bound to defend the state’s laws, must now weigh in on the challenge. Brown has in recent days been called upon to declare it a revision. In the past, he has said he plans to “defend the proposition as enacted by the people of California.”
But he has also said he believes that the estimated 18,000 same-sex marriages performed between June and November should remain valid.
Because it did not trust Brown to mount a staunch defense of the proposition, the group Protect Marriage intervened in the case and filed its own brief. It argues that the same-sex marriages are no longer valid. Brown’s briefs are due later today.
The court could hear oral arguments as soon as March.
Feb 2009:
The prosecutor who led the campaign to impeach President Bill Clinton has filed a legal brief -- on behalf of the "Yes on 8" campaign -- that would forcibly divorce the 18,000 same-sex couples married in California last year before the passage of Prop 8.
News broke Tuesday that the state Supreme Court will hear oral arguments on March 5, and will then make a decision within 90 days on the validity of Prop 8 and these 18,000 marriages.
When Starr's legal brief went public in December, the Courage Campaign immediately launched the "Don't Divorce..." campaign, asking our members to send us pictures with a simple message for Starr and the Prop 8 Legal Defense Fund.
Those pictures, and the heartfelt messages on them, inspired blogger Paul Delehanty (also known as "kid oakland") to send us a suggestion: Would Regina Spektor allow us to put your pictures to the words and music of her hit song "Fidelity"? So, we asked her and she said yes, very enthusiastically.
Regina Spektor's song, in concert with your pictures, shines a beautiful light on the 18,000 couples that Ken Starr wants to forcibly divorce.
He is a horrible, wretched excuse for a human being, and I intend to dance, piss, and take a fat dump on his grave when he finally DIES. Who's with me? ROADTRIP!!
February 6, 2009
Tutorial: 65 Years of Genuine Love
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my humble honor to share with you, the life, love, and fearless death...of Tammy Faye, a rare example of what a "Christian" should be.
The eldest of eight children, Tammy Faye was born Tamara Faye LaValley in International Falls, Minnesota to Pentecostal preachers Carl and Rachel Fairchild LaValley. Her parents were married in 1941, just one year before Tammy Faye was born. Shortly after she was born, a painful divorce soured her mother against other ministers, alienating her from the church. After the divorce, Tammy Faye continued living in a strict atmosphere with her mother and brother. When she was six years old, in 1948, her mother married Fred Grover, who worked in the paper mills. Her stepfather's salary increased their income, but also added four children to the household.
As a child in the 1950s, she helped her mother with household chores and babysat her younger siblings. Despite all this, she was often spoiled by her favorite aunt, Virginia Fairchild, who was a retired department store manager. She attended her aunt's church in 1952.
When she was accompanied by a friend to the Assemblies of God church, at age 10, she said she "felt the glow of God's love and wanted to call herself upon the Lord." Her entire family gathered around her for celebrations, particularly Christmas, which was her favorite holiday. In 1956, she started spending summers at Bible camp and was voted "Queen". That same year, she attended Falls High School where she sang in the choir. Also that same year, she got an after-school job working at Woolworth's Department Store, the same store in which her aunt had previously worked. She was not allowed to attend any school dances, baseball games, or even the movies, as her church would not allow it. Before she graduated in 1960, her mother suggested that Tammy Faye would become a minister.
Marriage to Jim Bakker
In 1960, she met Jim Bakker(pronounced Baker)when they were students at North Central Bible College in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Tammy Faye worked in a boutique for a time while Jim found work in a restaurant inside a department store in Minneapolis. They were married on April 1, 1961. The following year, they moved to North Carolina, where they began their own ministry.
PTL Club
Jim and Tammy Bakker had been involved with television from the time of their departure from Minneapolis, until they moved to the Charlotte area, via Portsmouth, Virginia, where they were founding members of the 700 Club. While in Portsmouth, they were hosts of the popular children's show "Jim and Tammy". They then created a puppet ministry for children on Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) from 1964 to 1973, and co-founded the Trinity Broadcasting Network with personal friends Paul and Jan Crouch in California. Jim and Tammy founded the PTL Club in the mid-1970s.
During the PTL shows, she provided a sentimental touch to stories and loved to sing. In a move that sharply distinguished her from other televangelists, she showed a more tolerant attitude when it came to homosexuality, and she featured people suffering from AIDS on PTL, urging her viewers to follow Christ and show sympathy and pray for the sick.
The PTL empire continued to grow under the Bakkers' leadership.
PTL Collapse
The Bakkers' control of PTL collapsed in 1987 after revelations that $287,000 had been paid from the organization to buy the silence of Jessica Hahn who had had a sexual encounter with Jim Bakker.
The revelations invited scrutiny of the Bakkers and charges were made about their opulent lifestyle including media reports of an air-conditioned dog house at their Tega Cay, South Carolina lakefront parsonage as well as gold-plated bathroom fixtures dominated newscasts in the 1980s. The Bakkers' home, owned by the ministry, was actually an older home built in the early 1970s and it was a few miles away from Heritage USA. Jim Bakker stated that the much-talked-about dog house was heated with an old heater to keep the dogs warm in the winter and the reported gold-plated fixtures were actually brass. The home was later sold by the ministry and burned to the ground not long thereafter. Jim Bakker wrote in his book I Was Wrong that he watched the home burn on live television while incarcerated.
The epilogue from the publishers of this book contains the following:
“On July 22, 1996, shortly after Jim Bakker had completed the writing of this book, a federal jury ruled that PTL was not selling securities by offering Lifetime Partnerships at Heritage USA. The jury's ruling thus affirms what Jim Bakker has contended from the first day he was indicted and throughout this volume."
The Charlotte Observer ran exposes of PTL's finances and management practices. PTL went bankrupt after being taken over by controversial Lynchburg, Virginia-based Baptist televangelist Jerry Falwell, who offered to step in following the scandals in 1988. Charges surfaced that Falwell's interest in PTL and Heritage USA was solely an attempt to gain control of its profitable cable television network; something which Falwell was unsuccessful in establishing for his own ministry despite numerous requests to the FCC for permission to obtain a satellite license. Tammy Faye later forgave Falwell regarding these tactics before Falwell's death in 2007, two months before Tammy Faye's own death.
AFTER PTL....Marriage to Roe Messner
Tammy stood by Bakker through the scandal including several instances when she cried on camera with mascara pouring down her cheeks. In 1989 Bakker was sentenced to 45 years in prison on 24 fraud and conspiracy counts.
In 1992 while Bakker was still in prison she filed for divorce saying in a letter to the New Covenant Church in Orlando, Florida:
“For years I have been pretending that everything is all right, when in fact I hurt all the time...I cannot pretend anymore.”
On October 3, 1993 she married Roe Messner in Rancho Mirage, California after Messner divorced his own wife. They moved to the Charlotte suburb of Matthews, North Carolina. Tammy and Roe were neighbors to Christian recording star and friend David L Cook.
Messner, who had a contracting business, Messner Enterprises, in the Wichita, Kansas suburb of Andover, Kansas, had built much of Heritage USA as well as numerous other large churches and had been a family friend to the Bakkers throughout the PTL years.
Messner was the one who produced the money for the $265,000 payment to Hahn later billing PTL for work never completed on the Jerusalem Amphitheater at Heritage USA.
In the Bakker's fraud trial, Messner testified for Bakker's defense saying that Falwell had sent Messner to the Bakker home in Palm Springs, California to make an offer to "keep quiet".
According to Messner's testimony Tammy wrote the offer on her stationery which listed $300,000 a-year lifetime salary for Jim, $100,000 a year for Tammy, a house and a year's worth of free phone calls and health insurance. However Messner said Bakker wrote on it "I'm not making any demands on PTL I'm not asking for anything." Falwell has denied making any offer.
In the messy bankruptcy of PTL, Messner was listed as the single biggest creditor of PTL with an outstanding claim of $14 million. In court papers the new operators accused Messner of $5.3 million in inflated or phony billings to PTL.
Messner filed for personal and corporate bankruptcy in 1990, saying he owed nearly $30 million to more than 300 creditors. He was to wind up being convicted of bankruptcy fraud. As he faced sentencing in 1996 he said that he could not afford to treat his prostate cancer because he lacked health insurance.
In July 2007 on more solid financial footing, the Messners relocated to a suburb of Kansas City, Missouri, the Village of Loch Lloyd, Missouri. Coincidentally, Jim Bakker had also moved to Missouri (in 2003) 200 miles southeast of Loch Lloyd in Branson, Missouri. Tammy Faye told Entertainment Tonight they had moved to the "dream house" to be closer to Roe's children and grandchildren from his first marriage.
As her second husband was jailed and she was first diagnosed with colon cancer, she re-entered the public eye in a series of books, movies and television appearances.
In 1996 she wrote her autobiography "Tammy: Telling It My Way" and she co-hosted a TV talk show entitled The Jim J. and Tammy Faye Show, with Jim J. Bullock.
She was the subject of a documentary entitled The Eyes of Tammy Faye (1999) and a follow up film entitled Tammy Faye: Death Defying (2004) from Lions Gate Entertainment.
She appeared twice on The Drew Carey Show in 1996 and 1999, playing the mother of character Mimi Bobeck (Kathy Kinney), who was also known for wearing excessive amounts of makeup.
On September 11, 2003, she published a new autobiography "I Will Survive... and You Will, Too!" in which she described her battles with cancer and her life with Messner.
In 2005, she appeared in an infomercial for alternative medicine promoter Kevin Trudeau, an appearance she later admitted that she regretted.[citation needed]
Despite her background in Christian fundamentalism, Tammy Faye has become a gay icon since her parting from PTL, cheerfully appearing even in Gay Pride marches with such figures as Lady Bunny and Bruce Vilanch. Tammy Faye has developed a devoted fan base in the gay and specifically drag queen communities. A drag entertainer dubbed Tammy Faye Sinclair performs in the West Virginia, Ohio, and Kentucky areas. According to CNN's obituary, "Tammy Faye Messner has also been known as one of the few evangelical Christians who had the support of the gay community. She was one of the first televangelists to reach out to those with AIDS when it was a little-known and much-feared disease." In return, she told King in July 2007, "When I went - when we lost everything, it was the gay people that came to my rescue, and I will always love them for that."
The Surreal Life
In early 2004, she appeared on the second season of the VH1 reality television series, The Surreal Life. The show chronicled a twelve-day period where she, Ron Jeremy, Vanilla Ice, Traci Bingham, Erik Estrada and Trishelle Cannatella all lived together in a Los Angeles house and were assigned various tasks and activities.
Together, the six put on a children's play and managed a restaurant for a day. During the taping, she forged close bonds with all of the other six house mates, many of whom came to look up to her as a mother figure and a spiritual inspiration.[citation needed]
She also attended a book signing for her best-seller, I Will Survive... And You Will Too.
At the end of the show, Messner said she thought of Vanilla Ice and Trishelle Cannatella as children and could relate to them deeply because she had similar feelings and problems when she was their age. She described porn star Jeremy as "a nice man."
[edit] Cancer
Tammy Faye's 11-year battle with cancer was highly publicized and she was very frank in what she revealed.
She was first diagnosed with colon cancer in March 1996 and the disease went into remission by the end of that year.
On March 19, 2004, two weeks after her 62nd birthday, Tammy Faye made an appearance on Larry King Live and announced that she had inoperable lung cancer and would soon begin chemotherapy. She continued receiving chemotherapy throughout mid-2004. On November 30, 2004, also on Larry King Live, she announced that she was cancer free once again. She described the details of her chemotherapy and continued to appear regularly on King's show. It was on his program again that she announced, on July 20, 2005, that her cancer had returned.
On March 13, 2006, six days after her 64th birthday, she appeared again on Larry King Live and stated that she was continuing to suffer from lung cancer, which had reached stage 4, and that she was continuing to receive treatment for it. She also mentioned having difficulty swallowing food, suffering from panic attacks, and enduring substantial weight loss. As her health continued to worsen, a "Talk of the Town" article in the October 2, 2006 issue of The New Yorker stated that she was dying in hospice care, and a December 10, 2006 article in Walter Scott's column in Parade reported that her son Jay was "at a North Carolina hospice with his mom, [who is] gravely ill with colon cancer".
Tammy Faye was a guest by phone on Larry King Live on December 15, 2006 and stated that she was receiving hospice care in her home. Tammy Faye appeared in her son Jay's documentary series, One Punk Under God, where she and Jay talked about her cancer treatments. In one episode, Tammy Faye required the use of oxygen in order to talk.
On May 8, 2007, she issued a statement on her website saying that all treatments to cure her cancer had stopped, but urged her fans to continue to pray for her.[19] The story was reported on NBC's The Today Show on May 11, and a feature in which fans and well-wishers could post get-well messages to Tammy was added to her website. As of July 2007, over 228 pages of wishes had been received.
On July 19, 2007 Tammy Faye made another appearance on CNN's Larry King Live, in what turned out to be her final-ever interview. Extremely gaunt, she said she weighed 65 pounds and was unable to eat solid food. Messner's husband would later say that he believed that she chose to do the interview to say a final goodbye to her followers. During the interview, Messner had this message:
“I'd like to say that I genuinely love you, and I genuinely care, and I genuinely want to see you in heaven someday. I want you to find peace. I want you to find joy.”
Death
On July 20, 2007 at 4 AM, Tammy Faye Messner died following her 11-year long illness. She was 65 years old. What had started as colon cancer, spread to her lungs. She died in her home, said her publicist, Joe Spotts. A family service was held on the morning of July 21, 2007 in the Messner family plot in Waldron, Kansas, where her ashes were interred. The ceremony was officiated by the Rev. Randy McCain, the pastor of Open Door Community Church in Sherwood, Arkansas. She had frequently spoken about her medical problems, saying she hoped to be an inspiration to others. "Don't let fear rule your life," she said. "Live one day at a time, and never be afraid." She had written on her web site in May that the doctors had stopped trying to treat the cancer. She died the day after the airing of her interview on Larry King Live on CNN.
The eldest of eight children, Tammy Faye was born Tamara Faye LaValley in International Falls, Minnesota to Pentecostal preachers Carl and Rachel Fairchild LaValley. Her parents were married in 1941, just one year before Tammy Faye was born. Shortly after she was born, a painful divorce soured her mother against other ministers, alienating her from the church. After the divorce, Tammy Faye continued living in a strict atmosphere with her mother and brother. When she was six years old, in 1948, her mother married Fred Grover, who worked in the paper mills. Her stepfather's salary increased their income, but also added four children to the household.
As a child in the 1950s, she helped her mother with household chores and babysat her younger siblings. Despite all this, she was often spoiled by her favorite aunt, Virginia Fairchild, who was a retired department store manager. She attended her aunt's church in 1952.
When she was accompanied by a friend to the Assemblies of God church, at age 10, she said she "felt the glow of God's love and wanted to call herself upon the Lord." Her entire family gathered around her for celebrations, particularly Christmas, which was her favorite holiday. In 1956, she started spending summers at Bible camp and was voted "Queen". That same year, she attended Falls High School where she sang in the choir. Also that same year, she got an after-school job working at Woolworth's Department Store, the same store in which her aunt had previously worked. She was not allowed to attend any school dances, baseball games, or even the movies, as her church would not allow it. Before she graduated in 1960, her mother suggested that Tammy Faye would become a minister.
Marriage to Jim Bakker
In 1960, she met Jim Bakker(pronounced Baker)when they were students at North Central Bible College in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Tammy Faye worked in a boutique for a time while Jim found work in a restaurant inside a department store in Minneapolis. They were married on April 1, 1961. The following year, they moved to North Carolina, where they began their own ministry.
PTL Club
Jim and Tammy Bakker had been involved with television from the time of their departure from Minneapolis, until they moved to the Charlotte area, via Portsmouth, Virginia, where they were founding members of the 700 Club. While in Portsmouth, they were hosts of the popular children's show "Jim and Tammy". They then created a puppet ministry for children on Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) from 1964 to 1973, and co-founded the Trinity Broadcasting Network with personal friends Paul and Jan Crouch in California. Jim and Tammy founded the PTL Club in the mid-1970s.
During the PTL shows, she provided a sentimental touch to stories and loved to sing. In a move that sharply distinguished her from other televangelists, she showed a more tolerant attitude when it came to homosexuality, and she featured people suffering from AIDS on PTL, urging her viewers to follow Christ and show sympathy and pray for the sick.
The PTL empire continued to grow under the Bakkers' leadership.
PTL Collapse
The Bakkers' control of PTL collapsed in 1987 after revelations that $287,000 had been paid from the organization to buy the silence of Jessica Hahn who had had a sexual encounter with Jim Bakker.
The revelations invited scrutiny of the Bakkers and charges were made about their opulent lifestyle including media reports of an air-conditioned dog house at their Tega Cay, South Carolina lakefront parsonage as well as gold-plated bathroom fixtures dominated newscasts in the 1980s. The Bakkers' home, owned by the ministry, was actually an older home built in the early 1970s and it was a few miles away from Heritage USA. Jim Bakker stated that the much-talked-about dog house was heated with an old heater to keep the dogs warm in the winter and the reported gold-plated fixtures were actually brass. The home was later sold by the ministry and burned to the ground not long thereafter. Jim Bakker wrote in his book I Was Wrong that he watched the home burn on live television while incarcerated.
The epilogue from the publishers of this book contains the following:
“On July 22, 1996, shortly after Jim Bakker had completed the writing of this book, a federal jury ruled that PTL was not selling securities by offering Lifetime Partnerships at Heritage USA. The jury's ruling thus affirms what Jim Bakker has contended from the first day he was indicted and throughout this volume."
The Charlotte Observer ran exposes of PTL's finances and management practices. PTL went bankrupt after being taken over by controversial Lynchburg, Virginia-based Baptist televangelist Jerry Falwell, who offered to step in following the scandals in 1988. Charges surfaced that Falwell's interest in PTL and Heritage USA was solely an attempt to gain control of its profitable cable television network; something which Falwell was unsuccessful in establishing for his own ministry despite numerous requests to the FCC for permission to obtain a satellite license. Tammy Faye later forgave Falwell regarding these tactics before Falwell's death in 2007, two months before Tammy Faye's own death.
AFTER PTL....Marriage to Roe Messner
Tammy stood by Bakker through the scandal including several instances when she cried on camera with mascara pouring down her cheeks. In 1989 Bakker was sentenced to 45 years in prison on 24 fraud and conspiracy counts.
In 1992 while Bakker was still in prison she filed for divorce saying in a letter to the New Covenant Church in Orlando, Florida:
“For years I have been pretending that everything is all right, when in fact I hurt all the time...I cannot pretend anymore.”
On October 3, 1993 she married Roe Messner in Rancho Mirage, California after Messner divorced his own wife. They moved to the Charlotte suburb of Matthews, North Carolina. Tammy and Roe were neighbors to Christian recording star and friend David L Cook.
Messner, who had a contracting business, Messner Enterprises, in the Wichita, Kansas suburb of Andover, Kansas, had built much of Heritage USA as well as numerous other large churches and had been a family friend to the Bakkers throughout the PTL years.
Messner was the one who produced the money for the $265,000 payment to Hahn later billing PTL for work never completed on the Jerusalem Amphitheater at Heritage USA.
In the Bakker's fraud trial, Messner testified for Bakker's defense saying that Falwell had sent Messner to the Bakker home in Palm Springs, California to make an offer to "keep quiet".
According to Messner's testimony Tammy wrote the offer on her stationery which listed $300,000 a-year lifetime salary for Jim, $100,000 a year for Tammy, a house and a year's worth of free phone calls and health insurance. However Messner said Bakker wrote on it "I'm not making any demands on PTL I'm not asking for anything." Falwell has denied making any offer.
In the messy bankruptcy of PTL, Messner was listed as the single biggest creditor of PTL with an outstanding claim of $14 million. In court papers the new operators accused Messner of $5.3 million in inflated or phony billings to PTL.
Messner filed for personal and corporate bankruptcy in 1990, saying he owed nearly $30 million to more than 300 creditors. He was to wind up being convicted of bankruptcy fraud. As he faced sentencing in 1996 he said that he could not afford to treat his prostate cancer because he lacked health insurance.
In July 2007 on more solid financial footing, the Messners relocated to a suburb of Kansas City, Missouri, the Village of Loch Lloyd, Missouri. Coincidentally, Jim Bakker had also moved to Missouri (in 2003) 200 miles southeast of Loch Lloyd in Branson, Missouri. Tammy Faye told Entertainment Tonight they had moved to the "dream house" to be closer to Roe's children and grandchildren from his first marriage.
As her second husband was jailed and she was first diagnosed with colon cancer, she re-entered the public eye in a series of books, movies and television appearances.
In 1996 she wrote her autobiography "Tammy: Telling It My Way" and she co-hosted a TV talk show entitled The Jim J. and Tammy Faye Show, with Jim J. Bullock.
She was the subject of a documentary entitled The Eyes of Tammy Faye (1999) and a follow up film entitled Tammy Faye: Death Defying (2004) from Lions Gate Entertainment.
She appeared twice on The Drew Carey Show in 1996 and 1999, playing the mother of character Mimi Bobeck (Kathy Kinney), who was also known for wearing excessive amounts of makeup.
On September 11, 2003, she published a new autobiography "I Will Survive... and You Will, Too!" in which she described her battles with cancer and her life with Messner.
In 2005, she appeared in an infomercial for alternative medicine promoter Kevin Trudeau, an appearance she later admitted that she regretted.[citation needed]
Despite her background in Christian fundamentalism, Tammy Faye has become a gay icon since her parting from PTL, cheerfully appearing even in Gay Pride marches with such figures as Lady Bunny and Bruce Vilanch. Tammy Faye has developed a devoted fan base in the gay and specifically drag queen communities. A drag entertainer dubbed Tammy Faye Sinclair performs in the West Virginia, Ohio, and Kentucky areas. According to CNN's obituary, "Tammy Faye Messner has also been known as one of the few evangelical Christians who had the support of the gay community. She was one of the first televangelists to reach out to those with AIDS when it was a little-known and much-feared disease." In return, she told King in July 2007, "When I went - when we lost everything, it was the gay people that came to my rescue, and I will always love them for that."
The Surreal Life
In early 2004, she appeared on the second season of the VH1 reality television series, The Surreal Life. The show chronicled a twelve-day period where she, Ron Jeremy, Vanilla Ice, Traci Bingham, Erik Estrada and Trishelle Cannatella all lived together in a Los Angeles house and were assigned various tasks and activities.
Together, the six put on a children's play and managed a restaurant for a day. During the taping, she forged close bonds with all of the other six house mates, many of whom came to look up to her as a mother figure and a spiritual inspiration.[citation needed]
She also attended a book signing for her best-seller, I Will Survive... And You Will Too.
At the end of the show, Messner said she thought of Vanilla Ice and Trishelle Cannatella as children and could relate to them deeply because she had similar feelings and problems when she was their age. She described porn star Jeremy as "a nice man."
[edit] Cancer
Tammy Faye's 11-year battle with cancer was highly publicized and she was very frank in what she revealed.
She was first diagnosed with colon cancer in March 1996 and the disease went into remission by the end of that year.
On March 19, 2004, two weeks after her 62nd birthday, Tammy Faye made an appearance on Larry King Live and announced that she had inoperable lung cancer and would soon begin chemotherapy. She continued receiving chemotherapy throughout mid-2004. On November 30, 2004, also on Larry King Live, she announced that she was cancer free once again. She described the details of her chemotherapy and continued to appear regularly on King's show. It was on his program again that she announced, on July 20, 2005, that her cancer had returned.
On March 13, 2006, six days after her 64th birthday, she appeared again on Larry King Live and stated that she was continuing to suffer from lung cancer, which had reached stage 4, and that she was continuing to receive treatment for it. She also mentioned having difficulty swallowing food, suffering from panic attacks, and enduring substantial weight loss. As her health continued to worsen, a "Talk of the Town" article in the October 2, 2006 issue of The New Yorker stated that she was dying in hospice care, and a December 10, 2006 article in Walter Scott's column in Parade reported that her son Jay was "at a North Carolina hospice with his mom, [who is] gravely ill with colon cancer".
Tammy Faye was a guest by phone on Larry King Live on December 15, 2006 and stated that she was receiving hospice care in her home. Tammy Faye appeared in her son Jay's documentary series, One Punk Under God, where she and Jay talked about her cancer treatments. In one episode, Tammy Faye required the use of oxygen in order to talk.
On May 8, 2007, she issued a statement on her website saying that all treatments to cure her cancer had stopped, but urged her fans to continue to pray for her.[19] The story was reported on NBC's The Today Show on May 11, and a feature in which fans and well-wishers could post get-well messages to Tammy was added to her website. As of July 2007, over 228 pages of wishes had been received.
On July 19, 2007 Tammy Faye made another appearance on CNN's Larry King Live, in what turned out to be her final-ever interview. Extremely gaunt, she said she weighed 65 pounds and was unable to eat solid food. Messner's husband would later say that he believed that she chose to do the interview to say a final goodbye to her followers. During the interview, Messner had this message:
“I'd like to say that I genuinely love you, and I genuinely care, and I genuinely want to see you in heaven someday. I want you to find peace. I want you to find joy.”
Death
On July 20, 2007 at 4 AM, Tammy Faye Messner died following her 11-year long illness. She was 65 years old. What had started as colon cancer, spread to her lungs. She died in her home, said her publicist, Joe Spotts. A family service was held on the morning of July 21, 2007 in the Messner family plot in Waldron, Kansas, where her ashes were interred. The ceremony was officiated by the Rev. Randy McCain, the pastor of Open Door Community Church in Sherwood, Arkansas. She had frequently spoken about her medical problems, saying she hoped to be an inspiration to others. "Don't let fear rule your life," she said. "Live one day at a time, and never be afraid." She had written on her web site in May that the doctors had stopped trying to treat the cancer. She died the day after the airing of her interview on Larry King Live on CNN.
February 5, 2009
Tutorial: Embracing the Divine
Bette Midler
Known as "The Divine Miss M" she is not just a phenomenal talent as an actress, comedienne, and singer, she is a loving soul. She not only fully supports gay rights, she has a belief in the American people, she wants and manages to spread love and beauty where ever she goes.
Starring is ground breaking roles in movies like "The Rose" and "Beaches" she showed everyone that crossing over across careers is not only possible, but worth while. She has always been politically active, striving for life to be better for all people, and though she has endured criticism from the bigots and haters of the world, she remained steadfast and honest and fearless. Thus why she is Divine.
In 1970, Midler began singing in the "Continental Baths", a gay bathhouse in New York City, where she became close to her piano accompanist, Barry Manilow, who produced her first major album, The Divine Miss M, in 1973.
“Despite the way things turned out [with the AIDS crisis], I'm still proud of those days [singing at gay bathhouses]. I feel like I was at the forefront of the gay liberation movement, and I hope I did my part to help it move forward. So, I kind of wear the label of 'Bathhouse Betty' with pride″.
CHARITY WORK
In 1995, Midler founded the New York Restoration Project, a non-profit organization with the goal of revitalizing neglected neighborhood parks in economically disadvantaged neighborhoods of New York City. These include Highbridge Park, Fort Washington Park, and Fort Tryon Park in upper Manhattan and Roberto Clemente State Park and Bridge Park in the Bronx.
In 1999, the city planned to auction 114 community gardens for commercial development. Midler led a coalition of greening organizations to save them. NYRP took ownership of 60 of the most neglected plots. Today Midler and her organization work with local volunteers and community groups to ensure that these gardens are kept safe, clean and vibrant. In 2003, Midler opened Swindler Cove Park, a new 5-acre (20,000 m2) public park on the Harlem River shore featuring specially designed educational facilities and the Peter Jay Sharp Boathouse, the first community rowing facility to be built on the Harlem River in more than 100 years. The organization offers free in-school and after-school environmental education programming to students from high-poverty Title I schools.
She truly cares for the world, and I can't imagine the world now caring, about Bette Midler.
Known as "The Divine Miss M" she is not just a phenomenal talent as an actress, comedienne, and singer, she is a loving soul. She not only fully supports gay rights, she has a belief in the American people, she wants and manages to spread love and beauty where ever she goes.
Starring is ground breaking roles in movies like "The Rose" and "Beaches" she showed everyone that crossing over across careers is not only possible, but worth while. She has always been politically active, striving for life to be better for all people, and though she has endured criticism from the bigots and haters of the world, she remained steadfast and honest and fearless. Thus why she is Divine.
In 1970, Midler began singing in the "Continental Baths", a gay bathhouse in New York City, where she became close to her piano accompanist, Barry Manilow, who produced her first major album, The Divine Miss M, in 1973.
“Despite the way things turned out [with the AIDS crisis], I'm still proud of those days [singing at gay bathhouses]. I feel like I was at the forefront of the gay liberation movement, and I hope I did my part to help it move forward. So, I kind of wear the label of 'Bathhouse Betty' with pride″.
CHARITY WORK
In 1995, Midler founded the New York Restoration Project, a non-profit organization with the goal of revitalizing neglected neighborhood parks in economically disadvantaged neighborhoods of New York City. These include Highbridge Park, Fort Washington Park, and Fort Tryon Park in upper Manhattan and Roberto Clemente State Park and Bridge Park in the Bronx.
In 1999, the city planned to auction 114 community gardens for commercial development. Midler led a coalition of greening organizations to save them. NYRP took ownership of 60 of the most neglected plots. Today Midler and her organization work with local volunteers and community groups to ensure that these gardens are kept safe, clean and vibrant. In 2003, Midler opened Swindler Cove Park, a new 5-acre (20,000 m2) public park on the Harlem River shore featuring specially designed educational facilities and the Peter Jay Sharp Boathouse, the first community rowing facility to be built on the Harlem River in more than 100 years. The organization offers free in-school and after-school environmental education programming to students from high-poverty Title I schools.
She truly cares for the world, and I can't imagine the world now caring, about Bette Midler.
February 4, 2009
hahaha Epic Fail
seriously....LOL you missed. Didn't the candy kid, raver, plurr thing die like, 6 years ago...at least? i dunno. but funny either way.
Lucky 13
Hey everyone, I wanted to talk a minute to Recognize and Thank my 13 followers. Your following my blog and clicking my ads means the world to me and I want you know how much I appreciate it.
I understand that not everyone has time to read a blog or click the ads, and i understand this, there are people who don't participate in this with me because they just don't want to, and that's fine too. I don't expect everyone to stop their lives for this, but I think I have to acknowledge those of you who do, because I don't think you know how much it means to me. So Thank You from the bottom of my heart.
I will work hard with this, and try to keep the blog fun and interesting, I will do my best not to let you down, because I know how shitty it is to be let down.
I love you crazy people!
I understand that not everyone has time to read a blog or click the ads, and i understand this, there are people who don't participate in this with me because they just don't want to, and that's fine too. I don't expect everyone to stop their lives for this, but I think I have to acknowledge those of you who do, because I don't think you know how much it means to me. So Thank You from the bottom of my heart.
I will work hard with this, and try to keep the blog fun and interesting, I will do my best not to let you down, because I know how shitty it is to be let down.
I love you crazy people!
February 3, 2009
FYI
Information you should know:
Its cold in my office.
I need to buy new Chucks.
Missy Higgins is quickly becoming one of my favorite musicians.
Its supposed to rain thursday and friday.
All of which is VERY important information, that I felt YOU know should know.
hahaha
Its cold in my office.
I need to buy new Chucks.
Missy Higgins is quickly becoming one of my favorite musicians.
Its supposed to rain thursday and friday.
All of which is VERY important information, that I felt YOU know should know.
hahaha
February 2, 2009
Tutorial: Unhook The Stars
Cyndi Lauper
Longtime singer and theater actress Cyndi Lauper, best known for her 80's anthem "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" has always been cherished by the gay community. Her 1986 album, True Colors, featured a slew of songs that resonated with many youths struggling to come to terms with their sexuality.
When she's not performing for adoring crowds, Lauper is doing her part to better the world as a gay rights advocate. Case in point: the 53-year-old was one of the headliners for a new True Colors tour, in an effort to raise awareness about homosexual rights (or lack thereof).
According to the Associated Press as relayed by the Washington Post, she had this to say about it: " A lot of people were saying that when it came out they were teenagers and they were coming out. They were disowned by their family and their friends and their jobs got all messed up and they were totally alone, and suicidal, and then they heard `True Colors' and it made them feel hopeful."
The 15-city voyage for civil rights began June 8 in Las Vegas and concluded June 30 in Los Angeles. Other headliners included such notable performers as Blondie sensation Deborah Harry, the brit-pop duo Erasure and comedian Margaret Cho.
In looking at the impact the tour had, Lauper said, " This tour was basically gonna be five hours of some of my favorite bands and me, and Margaret Cho making us laugh, and while we're touring, we're going to be raising awareness." The star added, "I think people don't know what's going on, that's all."
MTV Networks Channel sponsored the tour in hopes of garnering in gay audiences. It supplied information to fans who attended and offered purple wristbands with the slogan ingrained “Erase Hate” from the Matthew Shepard organization, which is named after a young man murdered in a hate crime. For every ticket sold, one dollar was sent to the Human Rights Campaign, an organization dedicated to equal rights for homosexual, bisexual and transgendered people.
I know what the immature idiots out there are thinking--if Lauper loves gays so much, then why doesn't she marry them? Well, besides the fact she's not homosexual herself and that gay people (generally) can't get married anyway, she merely feels more Americans would support gay rights if they understood the discrimination gays face: "You shouldn't have to be treated badly because of your sexual orientation. Come on, we don't live in a dictatorship. This is supposed to be America, the home of the free and the brave. It can't be free for some and not for others" the star opined.
Personally, I think she gives the American populous more credit than they deserve, and more credit that I do. But she has hope. And that is still amazing.
Her fifth album, Sisters of Avalon (released in Japan in 1996 and everywhere else in 1997) brought her moderate success, but only sold 1 million copies worldwide. The album was quickly embraced by the gay community for its dance and club styling. The album was written and produced with the help of Jan Pulsford (Lauper's keyboard player) and Producer Mark Saunders. Guest musicians include, Bush lead guitarist Nigel Pulsford on "You Don't Know" and "Love to Hate". The album was written and recorded in Tennessee and Connecticut and finished in an old mansion in Tuxedo Park, N.Y., where she lived and worked at that time.
The song "Ballad of Cleo and Joe" addressed the complications of a drag queen's double life. Lauper started writing the song around 1994. "Brimstone and Fire" painted a portrait of a lesbian relationship, and "You Don't Know" showed Lauper flexing more political muscle than on her previous albums. The song "Say a Prayer" was written for a friend of hers who had died from AIDS. The song "Searchin'" was used in one of Baywatch's episodes. "Unhook the Stars" was made into a movie of the same name starring Marisa Tomei, Gerard Depardieu, Gena Rowlands and David Thornton.
Lauper's sister Ellen had "come out" and Lauper considered her to be a role model.[citation needed] Ellen was doing a lot of charity work for the gay community, and was working out of a clinic, helping people who were suffering from AIDS.
Lauper began performing as a featured artist at gay pride events around the world (as early as 1994, she had performed at the closing ceremonies for Gay Games IV in New York City). She also served as the opening act for Tina Turner's summer tour, which was one of the highest grossing tours that year. Lauper took up the Appalachian dulcimer, taking lessons from David Schnauffer.
Longtime singer and theater actress Cyndi Lauper, best known for her 80's anthem "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" has always been cherished by the gay community. Her 1986 album, True Colors, featured a slew of songs that resonated with many youths struggling to come to terms with their sexuality.
When she's not performing for adoring crowds, Lauper is doing her part to better the world as a gay rights advocate. Case in point: the 53-year-old was one of the headliners for a new True Colors tour, in an effort to raise awareness about homosexual rights (or lack thereof).
According to the Associated Press as relayed by the Washington Post, she had this to say about it: " A lot of people were saying that when it came out they were teenagers and they were coming out. They were disowned by their family and their friends and their jobs got all messed up and they were totally alone, and suicidal, and then they heard `True Colors' and it made them feel hopeful."
The 15-city voyage for civil rights began June 8 in Las Vegas and concluded June 30 in Los Angeles. Other headliners included such notable performers as Blondie sensation Deborah Harry, the brit-pop duo Erasure and comedian Margaret Cho.
In looking at the impact the tour had, Lauper said, " This tour was basically gonna be five hours of some of my favorite bands and me, and Margaret Cho making us laugh, and while we're touring, we're going to be raising awareness." The star added, "I think people don't know what's going on, that's all."
MTV Networks Channel sponsored the tour in hopes of garnering in gay audiences. It supplied information to fans who attended and offered purple wristbands with the slogan ingrained “Erase Hate” from the Matthew Shepard organization, which is named after a young man murdered in a hate crime. For every ticket sold, one dollar was sent to the Human Rights Campaign, an organization dedicated to equal rights for homosexual, bisexual and transgendered people.
I know what the immature idiots out there are thinking--if Lauper loves gays so much, then why doesn't she marry them? Well, besides the fact she's not homosexual herself and that gay people (generally) can't get married anyway, she merely feels more Americans would support gay rights if they understood the discrimination gays face: "You shouldn't have to be treated badly because of your sexual orientation. Come on, we don't live in a dictatorship. This is supposed to be America, the home of the free and the brave. It can't be free for some and not for others" the star opined.
Personally, I think she gives the American populous more credit than they deserve, and more credit that I do. But she has hope. And that is still amazing.
Her fifth album, Sisters of Avalon (released in Japan in 1996 and everywhere else in 1997) brought her moderate success, but only sold 1 million copies worldwide. The album was quickly embraced by the gay community for its dance and club styling. The album was written and produced with the help of Jan Pulsford (Lauper's keyboard player) and Producer Mark Saunders. Guest musicians include, Bush lead guitarist Nigel Pulsford on "You Don't Know" and "Love to Hate". The album was written and recorded in Tennessee and Connecticut and finished in an old mansion in Tuxedo Park, N.Y., where she lived and worked at that time.
The song "Ballad of Cleo and Joe" addressed the complications of a drag queen's double life. Lauper started writing the song around 1994. "Brimstone and Fire" painted a portrait of a lesbian relationship, and "You Don't Know" showed Lauper flexing more political muscle than on her previous albums. The song "Say a Prayer" was written for a friend of hers who had died from AIDS. The song "Searchin'" was used in one of Baywatch's episodes. "Unhook the Stars" was made into a movie of the same name starring Marisa Tomei, Gerard Depardieu, Gena Rowlands and David Thornton.
Lauper's sister Ellen had "come out" and Lauper considered her to be a role model.[citation needed] Ellen was doing a lot of charity work for the gay community, and was working out of a clinic, helping people who were suffering from AIDS.
Lauper began performing as a featured artist at gay pride events around the world (as early as 1994, she had performed at the closing ceremonies for Gay Games IV in New York City). She also served as the opening act for Tina Turner's summer tour, which was one of the highest grossing tours that year. Lauper took up the Appalachian dulcimer, taking lessons from David Schnauffer.
Realizations...
Sadly, I tend to realize things too late BUT, better late than never. I have recently realized alot of things, and have some affirmations...and here they are:
*I hold onto things far too long.
*I don't think I have ever loved any material possession MORE...than my iPod Touch.
*I am a football fan.
*I don't need approval from my friends or family.
*Its not always as bad as it seems, sometimes its worse.
*There are people in your life that become toxic, and you have to be strong enough to let them go.
*There is nothing wrong with my furniture.
*If people can't handle your flaws, opinions, and unique identifying marks...fuck em.
*When you wake up a friend, because you need to talk, and they say "don't worry about it, I'm here for you day or night" that is an amazing friend and you should be grateful.
*Not everything is as good as you want it to be, or how you make it seems to others.
*He or She will break your heart, whether its a big break, and tiny little crack, one way or another, he/she will break your heart, the difference is, the good ones break it unintentionally, and will go above and beyond to make it up to you.
*Relax, if it's meant to happen, it will, just keep moving forward...if its not meant to happen, don't fight it.
*Just because 'that's how it is' doesn't make it acceptable.
*You get what you settle for
*Karma is VERY real.
*Know when to stop talking (admittedly, I'm still struggling with this one haha)
*When you're drunk, everyone already knows, don't announce it.
*If you text someone, and they don't respond within a reasonable amount of time, don't keep texting them. Its irritating.
*If you don't like something, that your friend likes, don't say hurtful or rude things about it in front of your friend...just say "I don't care for it" or "its not for me"
*Laughing or giggling while saying something hurtful, doesn't make it hurt any less.
*Mac & Cheese, is probably 90% man made chemicals...but I still Love it.
*Dignity has nothing to do with appearance, or class, or money...it has everything to do with how you carry yourself, how you are with others, and how you pick yourself up if and when you fall.
Growth is an interesting and powerful thing. As scary as it can be, remember, there are people who grow everyday and it's no big deal. So just do it. If you have no ambition to move beyond your current existence, then that's great for you, but don;t get mad when the people around you, who want more than what they have, leave you behind. Don't take it personally, cuz news flash...it's not about you. Wish them well, and send them good vibes.
*I hold onto things far too long.
*I don't think I have ever loved any material possession MORE...than my iPod Touch.
*I am a football fan.
*I don't need approval from my friends or family.
*Its not always as bad as it seems, sometimes its worse.
*There are people in your life that become toxic, and you have to be strong enough to let them go.
*There is nothing wrong with my furniture.
*If people can't handle your flaws, opinions, and unique identifying marks...fuck em.
*When you wake up a friend, because you need to talk, and they say "don't worry about it, I'm here for you day or night" that is an amazing friend and you should be grateful.
*Not everything is as good as you want it to be, or how you make it seems to others.
*He or She will break your heart, whether its a big break, and tiny little crack, one way or another, he/she will break your heart, the difference is, the good ones break it unintentionally, and will go above and beyond to make it up to you.
*Relax, if it's meant to happen, it will, just keep moving forward...if its not meant to happen, don't fight it.
*Just because 'that's how it is' doesn't make it acceptable.
*You get what you settle for
*Karma is VERY real.
*Know when to stop talking (admittedly, I'm still struggling with this one haha)
*When you're drunk, everyone already knows, don't announce it.
*If you text someone, and they don't respond within a reasonable amount of time, don't keep texting them. Its irritating.
*If you don't like something, that your friend likes, don't say hurtful or rude things about it in front of your friend...just say "I don't care for it" or "its not for me"
*Laughing or giggling while saying something hurtful, doesn't make it hurt any less.
*Mac & Cheese, is probably 90% man made chemicals...but I still Love it.
*Dignity has nothing to do with appearance, or class, or money...it has everything to do with how you carry yourself, how you are with others, and how you pick yourself up if and when you fall.
Growth is an interesting and powerful thing. As scary as it can be, remember, there are people who grow everyday and it's no big deal. So just do it. If you have no ambition to move beyond your current existence, then that's great for you, but don;t get mad when the people around you, who want more than what they have, leave you behind. Don't take it personally, cuz news flash...it's not about you. Wish them well, and send them good vibes.
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