It's been a while

I haven't blogged since 2012...or maybe it was 2011....whatever, Im back. I don't know for how long, and I don't know if Im going to keep this going, but here goes: What's happened....well I've survived Cancer, Hidradenitis Suppurativa has ruined my professional life and has left me pursuing social security because I am unable to work full time and support myself. I had to file bankruptcy, which means I had to give up my car, my credit cards, and also as a result, my house in San Diego. In the summer of 2012 I had to suck it up, and move back to Camarillo. Something I REALLY did not want to do. Yes I was happy to spend more time with my old friends and my mom and grandma, but damn it, I did not want to return to this place. Its a beautiful place, mostly quiet, safe, but I grew up here and just wanted to leave and not have to come back unless I was visiting. I moved back in with my mother and grandmother.... lived there for a year, then moved in with an old friend/my prom date Meredith. Sadly the past 9 months haven't been ideal.... she is an alcoholic, and not a pleasant one. She goes on benders for days, sometimes up to a week...about once a month. She is now thankfully preparing to enter rehab, which makes me very happy.... until her parents informed me that they can get more money for the house we live in if I move out, so they asked me to leave. Hurray. 20 years of being part of their family, protecting their daughter, picking up after her drunken messes, watching their grandchild while she was drunk until they could come get him.... gratitude? Not exactly. ANYWAY, thankfully my good friend Travis and his brother Nathan were looking to get a place, and we found a 3 bedroom in ventura and just got approved so no homelessness for me! woo. I did however successfully sue a harassing credit card company which allowed me to purchase a very reliable, nice, yet older car....a 99 Honda Accord...or as I call it, the Chola Honda....the Honda that every mexican girl either had, has, or had a sister/cousin/mom/abuella who had this same car. LOL It's been great. Then in July 2013, my dearest friend Jill passed away at age 34 of heart failure. There is no other way to say this: Jill's death broke me. I am still broken. I dont feel like myself. It has forever changed me. Life is too short to stress over stupid shit and people who dont make you happy. I have given up on love. After wasting 18 years of my life on trying to find the one.... im over it. I've decided that until I move out of california, I will not date unless I fall madly in love. I doubt that will happen as the last few guys I've loved broke my heart....in fact, every guy I've loved has broken my heart, Carlos, Mike, Sergi, Joe..... though not bad people (carlos being the exception, he's awful. once a cheater always a cheater) they were good guys, but the bottom line was that I loved them, and they either didn't want to be with me, chose to be with someone else, or were.... lets just say less than supportive. One of them, when I told them about my cancer results said "it's always something with you, I guess this means you cant afford to visit me" To his credit he did call me the next day and apologize for his insensitive comment, but between his jealousy, the distance between us, and his insensitivity, the damage was done. The truly sad part was he (and Im not naming him)was the one I thought really had a future ahead of us. I was wrong. he was too young, I wasn't... enough. I seem to never be enough. I always get "youre a great guy BUT...." "you're a hot ginger bear, BUT" Im never the one who gets chosen to be the boyfriend. Im always the friend, or the friend with benefits... Im just plain not good enough....and ya know what? its true. With my ailments, shitty deconstructed life, im not enough, and I wont ever BE enough. At least not until My life somehow manages to be semi normal again. Joe was the best. We were perfect for each other. Same age, both with career issues but insanely ambitious, he is perfect. Great ass, mesmerizing blue eyes, incredible smile, hung like a horse, and the best cuddler I'd ever met.... the only reason we split was because I had to move away from San Diego....he is now with some controlling 50 something man who he doesn't even love but is still staying with for some strange reason. I've told him I still feel for him...and he is still very attracted to me but is telling me he doesnt want to leave his old boyfriend yet, and is finding himself attracted to women....so the greatest guy I've ever dated....wants a woman now. That was just fabulous for my confidence. After all of this, some heavy reflection, and losing my dear friend at such a young age.... I realized that I've wasted enough time on men. It's not really in my nature to be a man whore like all the other gay men in the world, so I have resigned myself to being alone. I gave up on men. I have had a few come along and wanted to date me but unfortunately, I wasn't attracted to them. I went on a little movie date with one of them...just to see how I would feel about it, we ended up naked and I immediately regretted it, and didn't want to go further. thankfully he was gracious and understood. He is a very good guy, I wish I could've been attracted to him. The hot firemen next store has annoying fucking dogs who bark from 1am -4am. I want to kill them. **side note** anyway that's my life in a nut shell. EPIC. FAIL. AT. LIFE. I'm still working on my psych degree....these schools are annoying as fuck. The state of california is a joke...disability is ridiculous, that department is run by a bunch of tards. I think thats all I can manage to write at the moment. I dont know if Im going to do this again....I havent decided. we will see. OH P.S. I like marijuana. Andru