Tough Decisions...

Well here is where my life stands at the moment:

I make 4 dollars less an hour now than I did before I moved to San Diego. I am suffering. SO, I have rent (I cant afford to move), Iutilities (need electricity and water) a car payment, car insurance, cell phone (have no other form of communication like a land line...so I need my phone) and food and stuff...

I think I am going to have to surrender my car. :-( I have worked SO HARD for the past ten years to correct the mistakes I made when I was young with my credit...and now that Ive gotten my first real credit card, Ive had a car loan in good standing never missing a payment in two years... now I face having to fuck it all up, because I can't find a job that pays enough money. This is fucking cruel. Its like no matter how hard I try, Im doomed to fail. I never thought I would be such a huge failure, but apparently, that's my destiny.

My financial aid check is probably about 6 weeks out, I cant seem to find a second job because of the one full time job I already have, and the demands of school... so either I quit school (again) and work two jobs, or I figure out how to reduce my bills. Cant lower rent or car payment...Ive changed insurance companies twice to just to get lower rates, it doesnt get lower than what I have... yes I can change from the iPhone plan...BUT I paid a deposit with AT&T and dont get it back until I hit the one year mark, which is in December, then I can get that money back...so until then Im not losing out on that money....so Im stuck with my 90 dollar cell phone bill...

Im going to shut off my cable, and keep just the internet, cuz I need it for school... but frankly, Im fucked. I am fucked. I feel like giving up right now, throwing my hands in the air, and waiting for my life to fall apart around me. Take the car, evict me, Ill live on the streets until I die. But then everyone in my life will hate me and be disappointed and god forbid I let anyone down... ugh Im so sick of always having it hard. I'm sick of having to take the long way and the rough road, and I dont give a fuck if it builds character...MY CHARACTER IS BUILT...WHERE IS THE EASY ROAD?!?!?!?!!? I see so many ass hold douchebags who just get to breeze through life...and I have to bust my ass...just to fail. I dont get success, I get hardship and strife and failure. WTF????? I dont get it. What have I done in my 30 years on this planet to cause such horrible Karma!?!?!?!?!?

So it looks like the only way Im going to be able to save myself, without screwing anyone over... is that Im going to have to ruin my credit, once again, and give up my car. Let them come repossess it, slap it on my credit, and fuck me for the rest of my life. I cant even file bankruptcy... all my debt is is my car loan, and one credit card...with a 300 limit. The rest is just medical bills from forever ago from the many times Ive had to go to the ER for Hidradenitis Suppurativa related issues... I dont think thats enough to qualify for bankruptcy. Plus wouldn't I lose my car anyway?? I dunno... either way it wouldnt really help.

My mom has two cars, her new Smart Car...and her 1990 Nissan truck. I may have to talk to her about borrowing the truck indefinitely, and giving up my beloved Honda Accord, until I can save a few thousand dollars to just buy a car outright, and give up my dream of having a nice car.

Looks like Im gonna have to give up on a lot of dreams. Like my dream of owning a laundrymat. See, if I have to ruin what good credit I have by giving up my car, I wont ever be able to get a business loan to buy the laudry mat.

Honestly, I dont know why I bother dreaming at all. It really seems like no matter what I do, Im never going to ever be more than I am now, or have more than I have now. Some people are destined to do great things, some people are destined to be poor & struggling... I guess that's my destiny. The only hope I have left of having a better life is being lucky enough to have a good man with a good income fall in love with me and marry me. Since my luck is always shitty...I highly doubt thats gonna happen.

Im sorry I know this is a shitty post and that Im being super emo...and a lot of people would say "it's just a car, get over it" and I understand that, but I have always had a thing with my car...I Dont know what it is...its like the only good thing Ive been able to accomplish in my life, and having to give it up...its like admitting Im a failure... maybe I am and maybe I should just accept it. Give up hope, give up dreams, and settle into my less than mediocre existence... cuz this is probably as good as it gets.

It's days like this that make me wish all those times I "cheated death"... that death won.