I'm stretched as thin as can be. Obviously that is a metaphorical statement as there is nothing thin about me with the exception of my hair...thank you old age.
Between planning to move, trying to meet "someone special" (if that person even exists at this point), Trying to remain sane, and roller derby, the next two or three months are going to full of traveling. I only have so much energy, and I think I'm gonna ware myself out. Plus I'm going to make the effort to go out more and be more social and meet new people and try once again (hopefully not in vain) to give the gays another chance and hit some gay events. A new friend of mine via facebook organizes a gay mens/bearish cub group party thing called Kuma in Pomona...I guess its once a month...I dont know, but Im going to the next one. Im going to try to release my inhibitions and just have fun, and not give a fuck what anyone thinks about it.
Travel:
March: L.A. to see Missy Higgins & Justin Nozuka
San Diego to check out rental properties and check out the area and try to get a lay out of my new home. Also, hoping to visit with Mike and Rick. I should probably confirm with them, otherwise why bother getting my hopes up.
April: Gay Day at the Southern Renaissance Fair. Never been, sound fun, looking to get swash-buckled or Pillage some cute guys village :-)
Going to the Getty Museum for my friends birthday.
May: End of May, 3 day weekend up to San Francisco for a day, then up to Humboldt for a Derby bout we're playing in the next day, then drive home.
....other than that, I'm hoping to spend some weekends in S.D. apartment/house hunting, making friends, etc etc...and then moving in July.
Busy Busy Busy. OH and somewhere in that mix I need to get my G.E.D., enroll at DeVry, and get student loans set up so I can buy school supplies and prepare to move.
And YES its a lot to do, and some people may think that I should give myself more time, but I don't want to. I Don't want to take anymore time than absolutely necessary. I have wasted the past 10 years learning how to survive, and going a whole lotta NO WHERE in Ventura County, a place I am starting to loathe by the way. I just want out. I'm sure I will miss it when I'm gone but right now, I kinda...fucking hate it. I'm sick of it.
I feel like my life has gone head first into a period of transition and instead of waiting it out and surveying the aftermath, Im grabbing the reigns and riding this transition. I am going to have a say in this transition damnit.
I remember a prayer or an AA chant or something that said "Give me the strength to change the things I can change, and the knowledge to recognize the things I cannot change"...or something like that...anyway I am going to do everything I can to change the thing I need changed. As for the things that are changing that I have no control over...I kinda don't care anymore. There has been some drama with a few friends of mine, and I wont go into it cuz Im not putting that out on blast, BUT its fucking retarded, and i think the people involved are making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be because its just dumb... but it doesn't involve me, and I intend to keep it that way...and if I get dragged into it...oh you will NOT be happy, cuz I will not have anything nice to say about it. I have other friendships that are fading, we are growing apart...sometimes I think I'm growing and they arent, sometimes I think they are sick of me and want new things, a feeling I can totally understand...SO I take it for what it is. I'm not going to hold on to stuff just because Im used to it. Im kinda done. Im really fucking tired of the same shit different day life. Im fucking tired of being expected to behave or act or think a certain way because it's whats expected of me or because its how I have always been...well ya know what, sometimes the way you have always been is fucking shitty now. I'm tired of NOT changing, Im tired of judgment from those who DON'T want to change, and I'm tired of being studied, or having people think they have to observe me to see if they can talk to me. Fuck off. If you cant just talk to me, especially if we are friends, then I don't wanna know what your problem is, and I don't care. Cry to someone else.
Im tired of this half assed behavior from people. Its not everyone, but some of them are on my nerves. If you have a problem, talk to me, if you are mad, explain it to me, if you are happy, share it with me, if you have feelings for me, fucking tell me!! don't be a pussy, if you aren't interested in me, say so! So I can stop hoping for something thats not possible. Im You have concerns, questions, then MAN UP AND TALK TO ME. I dont give a shit, as long as we approach it calmly like adults Im fine, if its gonna be snide comments, drama, attitude, then Im gonna tell you to fuck yourself and stop talking to me, cuz Im not something to be observed, Im not some stupid little child for you to talk down to. I've met my quota of taking peoples shit.
Now I feel better. :-)
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