Over It

Well, once again the I have too much on my plate, and too much uncertainty in my life, and I HATE that.

Will I make it?
Should I do/not do this?
Should I go?
Should I bother?
Does he really like me or just..whatever?
Am I focusing too much energy on this?
Am I overreacting?
Am I under-reacting?
Will this stay?
Am I getting my hopes up for nothing?
Is this the right choice?
Will I epically fail?

That last question is usually the easiest to answer..."yes"

I hate not knowing. I wish everyone or everything would just be like "hey this is whats up with me and you, and this situation" so I don't either say or do the wrong thing. I freaking HATE second guessing myself, I hate it even more when I second guess myself BEFORE I even make the choice.

There are situations where I just want to be like "hey, whats the deal?" but Im so afraid that by doing so, I will have ruined what could have been good and right. So instead I sit and I stew on it. Making myself feel worse. Its enough to drive a person to drinking. HA. I wish I enjoyed alcohol more...I don't. I love a glass of wine or a light mixed drink, but I always regret it the SECOND I have too much. What's fun about that? *sigh* Kinda makes me long for the past, when my only cares were getting stoned and having munchies. No responsibility, no cares, no bills, no credit checks, no judgment of my life. Just marijuana and golden grahams...and T.V.

*ugh* so lame. The worst part is, that I argue with myself!! I say to myself: "Self, just ..let it go! If you're not happy with something or someone and you aren't getting what you want out of the situation, tell it/them/him/her to kick rocks and gets to steppin." But then I think..."but if I do that, what if it was meant to be and I just ruined it?"

No wonder I'm losing my hair.


I've heard about people who just pack their cars and pick a direction and take off. start over somewhere new. How do they do it? Cuz in my mind, i would wonder "how would get a place to stay with out first, last, security deposit, where would you work? how do they survive? don't they have cell phone bills, car payments?? how do they do it?"

Money. That's all I can think of, money must be attainable for them. I would like to figure out how to just "have" money, and not EARN it. Well that's not very likely so I might as well accept the mediocrity of reality, stop watching romantic comedies cuz THAT SHIT will never happen in real life, and now that I mention it, I want to say, I think its bullshit that in EVERY movie...regardless of genre, EVER movie...love or a relationship is a focus of the film. I want to watch a feel good movie about amphetamines in the world of gangs...there is ALWAYS the one guy who wants whats best for his life, because the gang is affecting his beloved chola...and their 14 kids. I try to watch a stoner comedy...the stoner ends up falling in love with his impossibly hot large breasted boss/friend/neighbor/milf of some sort....Im like..OK, this is not acceptable. This is HERESY.

I'm starting to remember why I stopped talking to guys, why I stopped trying to further my education, why I stopped trying to hold onto people, places, and things longer than I should.


But the reality of this situation is that regardless of what I have done in the past, I can't keep doing the same thing over and over. The definition of "insanity" is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome. The bottom line is, unless I change and evolve, I will never be happy. Unless I just "do it" nothing will get better. If I avoid men, I will never meet the right one. If I try to hold onto friends or acquaintances when its clear that they are no longer a pivotal part of my life...I will never be able to learn to live without them, and not be able to change what kind of friend I am.

One of the few things I have realized is that I am not the same. I have changed, and I still changing, and I will continue to change, and if that is what is meant to happen then so be it.

Evolution happens, whether we are prepared for it or not. People change, people grow apart, people are layered and complicated, no matter how they present themselves to you, there is so much more.

There is more to me than meets the eye. I am more than a funny one liner, I am more than a cuddly bear, I am more than a fag or queen or sissy, I am more than a good kisser, I am more than you know. Hell I am more than my closest friends even know. This may be hard for a lot of people to believe, but no matter how well you know me...you don't know it all.

Things are changing, accept it and go with it, or get the fuck out of my way...I got places to be. :-)