I Want Off this Ride.

Okay, I'm going to let you know right now, from jump, I am not a happy camper. This is not going to be a fun or uplifting post. This is going to be a sad, emo, boo-boo-kitty face post. If you don't want to know the darker side of Andru, bail out now, and no one will blame you and I won't take it personally. If you want something more entertaining than a fat ass homo unloading his frustrations...I suggest www.awesomezara.com , she is a dear friend of mine, and she is also amazing.

Here we go...

I want off this ride, I'm done. I'm over it. I'm sick to death of dealing with the same fucking bullshit over and over. If I could think of a more expressive word for my frustration than "fuck" I would use it, but let's face it, I'm not that mother fucking smart. So "fuck" it is.

I fucking hate this mother fucking cycle. I'm sick..TO DEATH.. of working jobs I hate, with people I mildly tolerate (with a few exceptions...hi Hillary A.) and have to work in sub par conditions. Can I just tell you ho w much rat shit is found in my office? OMG its horrible, and its in the kitchen too! SICK! If one more fucking douchebag cunt calls me and says "uh well I don't wanna have to go elsewhere but I mean, if you can't (give me exactly what I want, when I want it, how I want it) then...*sigh* well I dunno blah blah blah" Im gonna snap. Im gonna yell into the phone "GOOD. GO. CALL SOMEONE ELSE YOU SELFISH STUCK UP DEMANDING COW! GOOD RIDDANCE!!" If I have to hear one more whiny technician complain about their route, guess what, I'll send their mother fucking asses home! I will give their jobs to technicians who WANT to work. I'm sick of coddling these middle aged and older, men. Fuck Off!

I have made formal complaints about employees behavior and how it is negatively effecting my job, my performance, and the flow in which my jobs are done, and nothing happens. Go back a few posts and read the one about "Linda Portanova" that bitch is the worst and I hate her....but the last time my co-worker and I issued a formal complaint to our boss, he looked us in the face and said "Nothing will be done, that's how she is and the owners don't care." So she is allowed to try and get people fired, to ruin projects, to sabotage our jobs and thus sabotage the company, and the income...and that's ok. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS? I am having panic attacks or anxiety attacks but all I know is that whatever I'm experiencing is violent and painful and causing crazy vomiting and stress...my hair is falling out and thinning and an even more rapid pace than it ever has, my skin is going hay-wire, I'm living in a constant state of anxiety, pain, and frustration. This is not healthy. First of all, even though I have medical insurance, its ridiculous and useless in my case, here's why: I have a medical reimbursement plan...meaning that I am covered for a bunch of crap, but i have to PAY FOR EVERYTHING, OUT OF POCKET, UP FRONT...then submit claims, and hope to get it back from the insurance company. Not only do I live the pathetic paycheck to paycheck life, but I just found out my hours are getting cut thanks to our economy...I CAN'T PAY FOR NUMEROUS DOCTORS VISITS, then wait god only knows how long to get the money back from the insurance company... **IF** they decide to cover it and pay me back at all!!!!

Its like not having insurance at all. So I am doomed to LIVE WITH THIS. Lets start with my skin. Nevermind that its disgusting to look at, but its P A I N F U L .. between the boils and abscesses on various places of my body that appear, but there is the, not one, not two, but FIVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF ACNE!!! Yes, lucky me, I don't have just one type, no no, I get the variety pack.

There is your standard acne, normal zits, blackheads, etc..

Bacterial acne...where your skin reacts and inflames due to bacteria...not just dirt (it basically like being allergic to air)

Acne Keloidalis...acne in hair follicles usually on the back of your head and neck but also found in various other parts of the body

Nodular Acne... the deep cystic, deforming kind of acne usually only treatable with Accutane...the single most difficult drug to get your hands on...fucking heroin is easier to get than Accutane.

Staph Reactive Acne... we all have a certain amount of "staph" on our skin and bodies...my body is allergic to its own staph. Making me allergic to my own sweat, oil, etc...so if there is a tiny break in my skin, the staph moves right in and presto! a golf ball sized swollen and incredibly painful, ugly, and scarring abscess appears, tortures me for a few weeks, then busts open, bleeds, thus ruining boxer briefs, jeans, shirts, bed sheets, my confidence, and my ability to not hate myself every time I pass a reflective surface. It also ruins any hope I have that maybe someday I'll grow out of it. Im pushing 30, and look like I have the mother fucking plague. When 15 yr old's are like "dude...Clearasil" god should step in, prove his existence, and be like "Aww dude...what the hell happened to your skin...here let me fix it." Cuz God is a surfer in my mind. THIS IS MY FUCKING EXISTENCE. Who lives like this?

I'm not even allowed to have a breakdown, FUCKING RENT IS DUE IN A WEEK CUZ FUCKING FEBRUARY HAD TO HAVE 3 FEWER DAYS THAN ANY OTHER MONTH...LAZY FUCKING FEBRUARY, SO RENT IS DUE, AND I CANT HAVE A COMPLETE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN...CUZ I CANT AFFORD THE MOTHER FUCKING TIME OFF. SO ... I'm forced to sit at my desk, lump in my throat, blood pressure going thru the roof, ready to explode, yell, scream, cry, and run outta here like deranged cheerleader who didn't get voted prom queen.

This effects every aspect of my life. If effects whether or not I want to leave my apartment, cuz I don;t want my friends to look at my face and be like "aww that looks like it hurts" cuz I just don't wanna think about it. I would love to see Mike and hang out and spend time together, but I don't want him to see me looking like I have the plague...fuck that, I want him to LIKE ME...not be grossed out. Hell I'm not even sure whats up with Mike and I anyway... this feels just like every other guy I ever liked...I'm into it, I'm thinking about him all the time, I'm trying to spend time or make time or be flirty...and he just seems...like he is over it. Besides, he can do SO much better than me. I'm a fucking trainwreck and he is gorgeous, sexy, smart, and I know he isn't lacking options, there are tons of bears out there who are sexier and better looking, with CLEAR COMPLEXIONS and normal looking facial hair, who aren't having nervous breakdowns...why would he bother with me? Here is the thing, I think he is amazing. He is smart and funny and interesting and sooooooo sexy, and the situation...is complicated, and I have swallowing my emotions, my words, my actions, my desires, and my wanting to be with him, so as not to scare him off, or push him too hard, or anything like that...because there is something about him. He makes me..weak in the knees, he makes me smile for no reason, he makes me awkward and nervous. I really like him.

Knowing my luck, he will randomly decide to check out my blog and read this... great. Now I'm a fucking head case on top of living 3 hours away, being emotional and being more into him than he is into me...ok well maybe that last thing was more my insecurities, cuz I don't know that for sure...but hey, what if I'm right.

Whatever, this is me, love it or shove it. Sometimes I'm a god damned fucking trainwreck.

It doesn't just end there people...oh no. The issues continue.
I have people in my life, friends, acquaintances, whatever....these people are becoming toxic. For the most part I have removed these people, people like Jerry, F.U.P.A. Nazi bigoted Hillary, Rudy, to name a few...and let me be clear, I have nothing against Rudy, I miss him to be quite honest, but I couldn't handle his downward slide anymore. I knew he was unhappy, but I had tried and tried to help him and he just continued to half ass his efforts to fix his situation, and I couldn't take it anymore. On top of that he was slipping into crazy town for a minute there...he was losing his grip, and was lashing out at people, he was rambling off about making memories and how our CORE group of friends needs to reconnect...and the weird thing is, there is no CORE. It's not like 3 or 4 of us were born at the same time and haven't been apart since birth, we have all met at different times, and developed different relationships, and we all came together, but people grow apart, people have lives, people work, people have school, there is just no way to secure a friendship sometimes, sometimes its just meant to fade.
I hear that Rudy is well, and I hope that he is, but he saw two friends of mine, and each time, wouldn't talk to either of them, and was giving them dirty looks, and that's not ok with me. Katie and Jamie really didn't do anything to deserve that...so I figure, alright, this is the path Rudy has chosen, let him walk it alone.
Moving on...I am seeing my relationships with some people changing, and fading, and I don't feel right around them anymore. I just... I guess I have to accept the fact that I am not meant to have this friendship anymore, or at least not for much longer. I hate it but I accept it.

So between my friendships and the dynamics of my life changing, my fucked up job, with my fucked up co workers (with a few exceptions), my BEYOND fucked up skin that is literally revolting against me, and you would know what I mean if I showed you EVERYTHING I have to live with as far as my skin is concerned, the anxiety of getting past the hurdles for school, or I should say, to even get INTO college, having to try to pay for doctors, prescriptions, on top of normal daily life expenses... OH AND DID I MENTION MY HOURS AT WORK ARE BEING CUT BACK 7.5 HOURS A WEEK??? yeah is basically like taking a day off of work every week. yeah.

Seriously? I have joked about this before but ya know, I think it's not a joke, I think its a fucking FACT. God hates me. He has always hated me. And people wonder why I don't don't believe in religion and god and a higher power. Cuz prayers don't work, at least mine never did, and that whole bullshit about "as long as you're a good person, good things will happen to you." That is the biggest load of horse shit I have ever heard in my life. Let me tell you the truth:

Bad people get what they want.
Assholes get ahead.
It doesn't matter how good a fucking person you are, if you are destined for shit, guess what, you're getting shit.
Remember, we're all in this....ALONE.
Romantic movies are the biggest LIE you will ever believe.
There is no prince charming, cuz no one is perfect.
There is a logical and scientific explanation for EVERYTHING, and if you fool yourself into believing otherwise, that's just it...you are fooling YOURSELF. It's not a miracle, its a circumstance that works to your advantage.



YES I'M FUCKING BITTER TODAY. I'M NOT A FUCKING OPTIMIST. I TRY...god do I try, but when its thrown back in my face, its kind of hard to continue thinking "things will get better." BULLSHIT. they don't.

I want off, lemme off this ride, I'm done...I'm just...done.