November 26, 2008
Actual Work Conversation
Andru: *cough*
Tom (boss): "No Coughing"
Andru: "...um...ok"
*****5 minutes later*****
Tom (boss): *clears throat*
Andru: "No throat clearing"
Tom (boss): "shut up"
Andru: "Don't make me write you up Tom."
Tom (boss): ".....sorry, won't happen again."
Andru: "Let's hope not."
This has been an Actual Work Conversation
Tom (boss): "No Coughing"
Andru: "...um...ok"
*****5 minutes later*****
Tom (boss): *clears throat*
Andru: "No throat clearing"
Tom (boss): "shut up"
Andru: "Don't make me write you up Tom."
Tom (boss): ".....sorry, won't happen again."
Andru: "Let's hope not."
This has been an Actual Work Conversation
SECRETS REVEALED!!!
Thanks to Betty Bowers, homosexuals' sneaky little secrets are now revealed to the godly:
THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA!
As every Christian knows, there is only one enemy that threatens our entire civilization. And I am, of course, not talking about Satan. I'm talking about those damned homosexuals! Yes, they give otherwise dull hair radiant highlights and our imperfect décor those fabulous flourishes that elude our more predictable heterosexual sensibilities, but at what price? In exchange for a little panache, we allow homosexuals to steal our children and destroy our Christian marriages. And how do they do this? With their secret masterplan -- The Homosexual Agenda!
Many a well-intentioned person has asked me, "Betty, what exactly is The Homosexual Agenda?" Well, if you have to ask, you are probably already under its pernicious influence and blithely hop-scotching your way straight to Hell. Nevertheless, the details of The Homosexual Agenda have -- up until this day -- been kept more secret than the nature of John Travolta's and Tom Cruise's marriages. But I am pleased to announce that through innumerable free vodka sea-breezes and some artful Christian skullduggery, I have gotten my hands on an authentic copy of The Homosexual Agenda. Praise the Lord!
I have had my secretaries, Miss Anne Thrope and Anita Priceczech, transcribe The Homosexual Agenda from the back of a used cocktail napkin (the original is to be placed in the Smithsonian Institute) for your convenient reference. Never again shall we be surprised by what these malevolent Nancy Boys are up to. While they may still be able to surprise us with a cunningly perfect piece of Chinese porcelain for our Biederimeier end-table, they will never again be able to surreptitiously take over our culture, families and prime-time television without God-fearing Christians being one step ahead of them! Praise the Lord!
The Homosexual Agenda
8:00 a.m. Wake up. Wonder where you are.
8:01 a.m. Realize you are lying on 100 percent cotton sheets of at least a 300 count, so don't panic; you're not slumming.
8:02 a.m. Realize you are actually in your own bed for a change. Wake stranger next to you and tell them you are late for work so won't be able to cook breakfast for them. Mutter "sorry" as you help him look for his far-flung underwear. You find out that you tore his boxers while ripping them off him last night, so you "loan" him a pair of boxer-briefs, but not the new ones because you never intend to see him again.
8:05 a.m. Tell the stranger, whose name eludes you, "It was fun. I'll give you a call," as you usher him out the door, avoiding his egregious morning-breath.
8:06 a.m. Crumple and dispose of the piece of paper with his telephone number on it when you get to the kitchen.
8:07 a.m. Make a high protein breakfast while watching the Today show. Wonder if the stories you've heard about Matt Lauer are true. Decide they must be.
8:30 a.m. Italian or domestic? Decide to go with three-button Italian and the only shirt that is clean.
8:45 a.m. Climb into red Z4 and try not to look too much like Barbie driving one of her accessories as you pull out of your underground parking. Revos or Armanis? Go with Revos.
9:35 a.m. Stroll into office.
9:36 a.m. Close door to office and call best friend and laugh about the guy who spent the night at your condo. Point out something annoying about best friend's boyfriend but quickly add "It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, just as long as you love him."
10:15 a.m. Leave office, telling your secretary you are "meeting with a client." Pretend not to notice her insubordinate roll of her eyes (or the cloying "poem" she has tacked to her cubicle wall).
10:30 a.m. Hair appointment for lowlights and cut. Purchase of Aveda anti-humectant pomade.
11:30 a.m. Run into personal trainer at gym. Pester him about getting you Human Growth Hormone. Spend 30 minutes talking to friends on your cell phone while using Hammer Strength machines, preparing a mental-matrix of which circuit parties everyone is going to and which are now passe.
12:00pm Tan. Schedule back-waxing in time for Saturday party where you know you will end up shirtless.
12:30 p.m. Pay trainer for anabolic steroids and schedule a workout. Shower, taking ten minutes to knot your tie while you check-out your best friend's boyfriend undress with the calculation of someone used to wearing a t-back and having dollars stuffed in their crotch.
1:00 p.m. Meet someone for whom you only know his waist, chest and penis size from AOL M4M chat for lunch at a hot, new restaurant. Because the maître d' recognizes you from a gay bar, you are whisked past the Christian heterosexual couples who have been waiting patiently for a table since 12:30.
2:30 p.m. "Dessert at your place." Find out, once again, people lie on AOL.
3:33 p.m. Assume complete control of the U.S., state, and local governments (in addition to other nations' governments); destroy all healthy Christian marriages; recruit all children grades Kindergarten through 12 into your amoral, filthy lifestyle; secure complete control of the media, starting with sitcoms; molest innocent children; give AIDS to as many people as you can; host a pornographic "art" exhibit at your local art museum; and turn people away from Jesus, causing them to burn forever in Hell.
4:10 p.m. Time permitting, bring about the general decline of Western Civilization and look like you are having way too much fun doing it.
4:30 p.m. Take a disco-nap to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest and being so terribly witty.
6:00 p.m. Open a fabulous new bottle of Malbec.
6:47 P.M. Bake Ketamine for weekend. Test recipe.
7:00 P.M. Go to Abercrombie & Fitch and announce in a loud voice, "Over!"
7:40 P.M. Stop looking at the photographic displays at Abercrombie & Fitch and go to a cool store to begin shopping.
8:30 p.m. Light dinner with catty homosexual friends at a restaurant you will be "over" by the time it gets its first review in the local paper.
10:30 p.m. Cocktails at a debauched gay bar, trying to avoid alcoholic queens who can't navigate a crowd with a lit cigarette in one hand and a Stoli in a cheap plastic cup in the other. Make audible remark about how "trashy" people who still think smoking is acceptable are.
12:00 a.m. "Nightcap at your place." Find out that people lie in bars, too.
THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA!
As every Christian knows, there is only one enemy that threatens our entire civilization. And I am, of course, not talking about Satan. I'm talking about those damned homosexuals! Yes, they give otherwise dull hair radiant highlights and our imperfect décor those fabulous flourishes that elude our more predictable heterosexual sensibilities, but at what price? In exchange for a little panache, we allow homosexuals to steal our children and destroy our Christian marriages. And how do they do this? With their secret masterplan -- The Homosexual Agenda!
Many a well-intentioned person has asked me, "Betty, what exactly is The Homosexual Agenda?" Well, if you have to ask, you are probably already under its pernicious influence and blithely hop-scotching your way straight to Hell. Nevertheless, the details of The Homosexual Agenda have -- up until this day -- been kept more secret than the nature of John Travolta's and Tom Cruise's marriages. But I am pleased to announce that through innumerable free vodka sea-breezes and some artful Christian skullduggery, I have gotten my hands on an authentic copy of The Homosexual Agenda. Praise the Lord!
I have had my secretaries, Miss Anne Thrope and Anita Priceczech, transcribe The Homosexual Agenda from the back of a used cocktail napkin (the original is to be placed in the Smithsonian Institute) for your convenient reference. Never again shall we be surprised by what these malevolent Nancy Boys are up to. While they may still be able to surprise us with a cunningly perfect piece of Chinese porcelain for our Biederimeier end-table, they will never again be able to surreptitiously take over our culture, families and prime-time television without God-fearing Christians being one step ahead of them! Praise the Lord!
The Homosexual Agenda
8:00 a.m. Wake up. Wonder where you are.
8:01 a.m. Realize you are lying on 100 percent cotton sheets of at least a 300 count, so don't panic; you're not slumming.
8:02 a.m. Realize you are actually in your own bed for a change. Wake stranger next to you and tell them you are late for work so won't be able to cook breakfast for them. Mutter "sorry" as you help him look for his far-flung underwear. You find out that you tore his boxers while ripping them off him last night, so you "loan" him a pair of boxer-briefs, but not the new ones because you never intend to see him again.
8:05 a.m. Tell the stranger, whose name eludes you, "It was fun. I'll give you a call," as you usher him out the door, avoiding his egregious morning-breath.
8:06 a.m. Crumple and dispose of the piece of paper with his telephone number on it when you get to the kitchen.
8:07 a.m. Make a high protein breakfast while watching the Today show. Wonder if the stories you've heard about Matt Lauer are true. Decide they must be.
8:30 a.m. Italian or domestic? Decide to go with three-button Italian and the only shirt that is clean.
8:45 a.m. Climb into red Z4 and try not to look too much like Barbie driving one of her accessories as you pull out of your underground parking. Revos or Armanis? Go with Revos.
9:35 a.m. Stroll into office.
9:36 a.m. Close door to office and call best friend and laugh about the guy who spent the night at your condo. Point out something annoying about best friend's boyfriend but quickly add "It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, just as long as you love him."
10:15 a.m. Leave office, telling your secretary you are "meeting with a client." Pretend not to notice her insubordinate roll of her eyes (or the cloying "poem" she has tacked to her cubicle wall).
10:30 a.m. Hair appointment for lowlights and cut. Purchase of Aveda anti-humectant pomade.
11:30 a.m. Run into personal trainer at gym. Pester him about getting you Human Growth Hormone. Spend 30 minutes talking to friends on your cell phone while using Hammer Strength machines, preparing a mental-matrix of which circuit parties everyone is going to and which are now passe.
12:00pm Tan. Schedule back-waxing in time for Saturday party where you know you will end up shirtless.
12:30 p.m. Pay trainer for anabolic steroids and schedule a workout. Shower, taking ten minutes to knot your tie while you check-out your best friend's boyfriend undress with the calculation of someone used to wearing a t-back and having dollars stuffed in their crotch.
1:00 p.m. Meet someone for whom you only know his waist, chest and penis size from AOL M4M chat for lunch at a hot, new restaurant. Because the maître d' recognizes you from a gay bar, you are whisked past the Christian heterosexual couples who have been waiting patiently for a table since 12:30.
2:30 p.m. "Dessert at your place." Find out, once again, people lie on AOL.
3:33 p.m. Assume complete control of the U.S., state, and local governments (in addition to other nations' governments); destroy all healthy Christian marriages; recruit all children grades Kindergarten through 12 into your amoral, filthy lifestyle; secure complete control of the media, starting with sitcoms; molest innocent children; give AIDS to as many people as you can; host a pornographic "art" exhibit at your local art museum; and turn people away from Jesus, causing them to burn forever in Hell.
4:10 p.m. Time permitting, bring about the general decline of Western Civilization and look like you are having way too much fun doing it.
4:30 p.m. Take a disco-nap to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest and being so terribly witty.
6:00 p.m. Open a fabulous new bottle of Malbec.
6:47 P.M. Bake Ketamine for weekend. Test recipe.
7:00 P.M. Go to Abercrombie & Fitch and announce in a loud voice, "Over!"
7:40 P.M. Stop looking at the photographic displays at Abercrombie & Fitch and go to a cool store to begin shopping.
8:30 p.m. Light dinner with catty homosexual friends at a restaurant you will be "over" by the time it gets its first review in the local paper.
10:30 p.m. Cocktails at a debauched gay bar, trying to avoid alcoholic queens who can't navigate a crowd with a lit cigarette in one hand and a Stoli in a cheap plastic cup in the other. Make audible remark about how "trashy" people who still think smoking is acceptable are.
12:00 a.m. "Nightcap at your place." Find out that people lie in bars, too.
November 25, 2008
Update
hey peeps.
Just a quick update while I have a few minutes.
Life is good! Im traveling, Im dog sitting, Im happy! I wish I could have someone to cuddle with besides the German Shepard Im taking care of BUT he is a good cuddler.
Im looking forward to my 4 day weekend!!! OMG am I looking forward to it. Im going to Lake Havsu for my friends wedding, and Ive never been there so Im excited. Im hoping to get down to San Diego again soon, and Im looking into schools so I can get a degree hopefully before Im 30... and this means Ill probably have to move away to go to school...which is sad, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Im gonna probably bury myself in financial aid and student loans but damnit, Im gonna do it, and Im gonna make it. Damnit.
Thank you all so much for continuing to read my blog and click those ads!! I should be getting my first payment from google in January and Im excited. And I have you all to thank. Keep it up! Im sorry that my blog has been lack luster laterly, Ive been very busy, and life always seems to get in the way but the things getting in my way have been so good that I can;t say I wish it were different!
Someone once told me that 2007 was their year to shine, his year to come out and be the center of attention and he had everything he wanted... knowing full well that 2007 was one of the worst years of my life.... now he isnt happy, and Im on top of the world...and I feel bad for him. I dont want to rub it in his face or gloat...I just feel bad for him....but I guess thats life ya know? sometimes youre up, sometimes your down. I guess Im on the up and I've decided that Im going to find everyway possible to continue heading upward and onward.
peace out bitches, I love your faces.
Andru
Just a quick update while I have a few minutes.
Life is good! Im traveling, Im dog sitting, Im happy! I wish I could have someone to cuddle with besides the German Shepard Im taking care of BUT he is a good cuddler.
Im looking forward to my 4 day weekend!!! OMG am I looking forward to it. Im going to Lake Havsu for my friends wedding, and Ive never been there so Im excited. Im hoping to get down to San Diego again soon, and Im looking into schools so I can get a degree hopefully before Im 30... and this means Ill probably have to move away to go to school...which is sad, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Im gonna probably bury myself in financial aid and student loans but damnit, Im gonna do it, and Im gonna make it. Damnit.
Thank you all so much for continuing to read my blog and click those ads!! I should be getting my first payment from google in January and Im excited. And I have you all to thank. Keep it up! Im sorry that my blog has been lack luster laterly, Ive been very busy, and life always seems to get in the way but the things getting in my way have been so good that I can;t say I wish it were different!
Someone once told me that 2007 was their year to shine, his year to come out and be the center of attention and he had everything he wanted... knowing full well that 2007 was one of the worst years of my life.... now he isnt happy, and Im on top of the world...and I feel bad for him. I dont want to rub it in his face or gloat...I just feel bad for him....but I guess thats life ya know? sometimes youre up, sometimes your down. I guess Im on the up and I've decided that Im going to find everyway possible to continue heading upward and onward.
peace out bitches, I love your faces.
Andru
November 21, 2008
Actual Work Conversation
Serg: "Andru, I'm running ahead of schedule..."
Andru: "...ok. Did you want a cookie or something?"
Serg: "hahaha no man Im cool...so for the next call...can I come early?"
Andru: "Serg, if your wife has been okay with it for this long, I'm sure the customer will be fine with it."
Serg: "hahaha well you dont know what youre talking about, Im the latin stallion."
Andru: "Yet you have no kids....ya know they used to shoot stallions who couldn't be bred."
Serg: "Trust me, I do the 'shooting'"
Andru: "......ew."
This has been another, Actual Work Conversation
Andru: "...ok. Did you want a cookie or something?"
Serg: "hahaha no man Im cool...so for the next call...can I come early?"
Andru: "Serg, if your wife has been okay with it for this long, I'm sure the customer will be fine with it."
Serg: "hahaha well you dont know what youre talking about, Im the latin stallion."
Andru: "Yet you have no kids....ya know they used to shoot stallions who couldn't be bred."
Serg: "Trust me, I do the 'shooting'"
Andru: "......ew."
This has been another, Actual Work Conversation
Viva La Musica
This is what I am listening to currently. I highly recommend you download and give them a listen. If you don't like them, its cool, just thought I would share cuz Im at work and SO BORED! ok here we go:
Jazmine Sullivan "Bust Your Windows"
Des'ree "You Gotta Be"
Lenny Kravitz "American Woman"
David Archuleta "My Hands"
Pizzicato Five "Sugar Baby Love"
Kelly Clarkson "Sober"
Beyonce "Put a Ring on it"
Natalie Imbruglia "Wishing I Was There"
Natasha Beddingfield "Unwritten"
Lillix "What I Like About You"
Lumidee & Tony Sunshine "She's Like The Wind"
Van Halen "You Really Got Me"
Enjoy!
Jazmine Sullivan "Bust Your Windows"
Des'ree "You Gotta Be"
Lenny Kravitz "American Woman"
David Archuleta "My Hands"
Pizzicato Five "Sugar Baby Love"
Kelly Clarkson "Sober"
Beyonce "Put a Ring on it"
Natalie Imbruglia "Wishing I Was There"
Natasha Beddingfield "Unwritten"
Lillix "What I Like About You"
Lumidee & Tony Sunshine "She's Like The Wind"
Van Halen "You Really Got Me"
Enjoy!
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