New stuff I love and YOU SHOULD TOO!!!! hahaha
Justin Nozuka - After Tonight
Justin Nozuka - Save Him
Lenka - Break Me Down
Lenka - The Show
Melanie Fiona - Give it to Me Right
Ashanti - Let's Do Something Crazy
Pitbull - Calle Ocho
Kelly Clarkson - Don't Let Me Stop You
Bill Withers - Grandma's Hands
Katy Perry - Thinking of You
March 24, 2009
I'll Try
I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now.
I mustn't let them see me cry.
I'm fine... I'm fine.
I'm to tired to listen.
I'm to old to believe.
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith & trust & pixie dust.
I try but its so hard to believe.
I try but I can't see what you see.
My whole world is changing,
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you waiting,
But I can't stay and watch this city burn.
I try and try to understand the distance in between,
The love I feel, the things I fear, and every single dream...
I can finally see it,
but do I have to believe all those precious stories?
All the world is made of faith and trust and pixie dust?
So I'll try cause I finally believe.
I'll try cause I might see what you see.
I'll try...
j.b.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now.
I mustn't let them see me cry.
I'm fine... I'm fine.
I'm to tired to listen.
I'm to old to believe.
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith & trust & pixie dust.
I try but its so hard to believe.
I try but I can't see what you see.
My whole world is changing,
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you waiting,
But I can't stay and watch this city burn.
I try and try to understand the distance in between,
The love I feel, the things I fear, and every single dream...
I can finally see it,
but do I have to believe all those precious stories?
All the world is made of faith and trust and pixie dust?
So I'll try cause I finally believe.
I'll try cause I might see what you see.
I'll try...
j.b.
March 20, 2009
Back Alley Rod & Custom
I love me some Back Alley Rod.....hahahhaa
My friend Kenny owns a Hot Rod shop, called Back Alley Rod & Custom in Camarillo, CA where he restores and rebuild old classic cars, as well as does custom work for newer cars. I have known Kenny for like....11 years now...and he is fucking awesome!
So I brought my Accord to his shop and asked if there was anything he could do to move the drivers seat back a little bit to provide me with a little more leg room. Wouldn't ya know it...HE COULD! So Im here at his shop as we speak, and he is cutting and welding steel into the seat frame so he can remount the seat in the car, giving me more leg room. :-) Now some of you may not know, I am a big boy. Not only am I a total chunky butt, I am also tall. I am like 6'2"...so height + girth = difficult car shopping. I have managed to be just fine for all these years, while owning and driving surprisingly small cars! I have also had larger cars but mostly small...I've had as far as larger cars: Ford Thunderbird, Chevy Camaro, Plymouth Breeze...not all LARGE cars but big none the less and roomy, at least for me behind the wheel...the real shock is that I have also had small cars: Pontiac Sunfire Coupe, a 92 Honda Accord Coupe, Toyota Celica, Honda CRX, and a Hyundai Elantra. My 04 Accord (the current G-Ride) is compact and sporty, but surprisingly large once you are up close to it, mostly in length but its good in width too... so when I bought it it was nice that I had a little more extension for my legs that my Elantra...plus my Honda is an Automatic, and my last few cars have been Stick Shifts...so there is even less effort on the part of my arthritic right hip, not having to move as much. But After driving a few Volkswagen while car shopping, I got spoiled with the amazing seats and cabin of the new Jetta. The seat goes so far back I could barely reach the pedals. It was quite the treat to drive. So I decide that if Kenny can give me more leg room in my already practically perfect vehicle, then I would be all kinds of happy. So Here I am, in his shop with a handful of hetero-mechanic types, sitting around, talking, and smoking having a good ole' time... and Kenny making pretty sparks with my seat. YES Im that big a dork. My baby is having surgery, and Im a proud papa bear cuz my little honda is taking it like a champ.
Alot of the guys here are old friends whom I used to hang out with all the time, and its cool seeing them, though they are all sitting around talking about beer and boobs and trucks and football and shit, and Im on the computer cuz really? As much as I know I am cool with them and vice versa, we have nothing in common anymore. One of them is Jim, he moved away long ago to northern california (lucky bastard) but he came own for some party this weekend...and I have to say, I thought he was cute back in the day, but now that he is 30 and has been doing construction for the past 7 years, his shoulders got all beefy and arms are all big...he looks DAMN good. But I dare not tell him or any of them that cuz yeah...can't have any of them gettin all "don't hit on us" cuz I always told them, even back in the day "What the fuck makes you think I would hit on YOU?!?!" and it was funny to watch their pride and ego get CRUSHED MERCILESSLY....but also kinda sad cuz they ARE cool guys, and surprisingly tolerant. If you saw them on the street you wouldn't think they would not only be cool with gay people, but had gay friends.
Well they are talking about fucking chicks back in high school...and how they compare to their NOW wives whom they have children with...on that note, Im gonna go smoke. Piece out bitches!!!! I love your faces!!!
xo
Proud Honda Papa Bear Andru
My friend Kenny owns a Hot Rod shop, called Back Alley Rod & Custom in Camarillo, CA where he restores and rebuild old classic cars, as well as does custom work for newer cars. I have known Kenny for like....11 years now...and he is fucking awesome!
So I brought my Accord to his shop and asked if there was anything he could do to move the drivers seat back a little bit to provide me with a little more leg room. Wouldn't ya know it...HE COULD! So Im here at his shop as we speak, and he is cutting and welding steel into the seat frame so he can remount the seat in the car, giving me more leg room. :-) Now some of you may not know, I am a big boy. Not only am I a total chunky butt, I am also tall. I am like 6'2"...so height + girth = difficult car shopping. I have managed to be just fine for all these years, while owning and driving surprisingly small cars! I have also had larger cars but mostly small...I've had as far as larger cars: Ford Thunderbird, Chevy Camaro, Plymouth Breeze...not all LARGE cars but big none the less and roomy, at least for me behind the wheel...the real shock is that I have also had small cars: Pontiac Sunfire Coupe, a 92 Honda Accord Coupe, Toyota Celica, Honda CRX, and a Hyundai Elantra. My 04 Accord (the current G-Ride) is compact and sporty, but surprisingly large once you are up close to it, mostly in length but its good in width too... so when I bought it it was nice that I had a little more extension for my legs that my Elantra...plus my Honda is an Automatic, and my last few cars have been Stick Shifts...so there is even less effort on the part of my arthritic right hip, not having to move as much. But After driving a few Volkswagen while car shopping, I got spoiled with the amazing seats and cabin of the new Jetta. The seat goes so far back I could barely reach the pedals. It was quite the treat to drive. So I decide that if Kenny can give me more leg room in my already practically perfect vehicle, then I would be all kinds of happy. So Here I am, in his shop with a handful of hetero-mechanic types, sitting around, talking, and smoking having a good ole' time... and Kenny making pretty sparks with my seat. YES Im that big a dork. My baby is having surgery, and Im a proud papa bear cuz my little honda is taking it like a champ.
Alot of the guys here are old friends whom I used to hang out with all the time, and its cool seeing them, though they are all sitting around talking about beer and boobs and trucks and football and shit, and Im on the computer cuz really? As much as I know I am cool with them and vice versa, we have nothing in common anymore. One of them is Jim, he moved away long ago to northern california (lucky bastard) but he came own for some party this weekend...and I have to say, I thought he was cute back in the day, but now that he is 30 and has been doing construction for the past 7 years, his shoulders got all beefy and arms are all big...he looks DAMN good. But I dare not tell him or any of them that cuz yeah...can't have any of them gettin all "don't hit on us" cuz I always told them, even back in the day "What the fuck makes you think I would hit on YOU?!?!" and it was funny to watch their pride and ego get CRUSHED MERCILESSLY....but also kinda sad cuz they ARE cool guys, and surprisingly tolerant. If you saw them on the street you wouldn't think they would not only be cool with gay people, but had gay friends.
Well they are talking about fucking chicks back in high school...and how they compare to their NOW wives whom they have children with...on that note, Im gonna go smoke. Piece out bitches!!!! I love your faces!!!
xo
Proud Honda Papa Bear Andru
March 19, 2009
Oy Vay
Ugh what a week this has been. Drama Drama Drama.
The audacity of some people...its ridiculous. I mean , I always knew there was something off...but DAMN. The manipulation, the lies, the hissy fit and scene that was made was out of control. Now the fraud and the underhanded selfishness, willing to ruin someone else's life, to get what you want...something trivial even! You disgust me.
I am shocked, and yet, so overwhelmingly angry at the actions of some people, that I am just done with it. I don't like them, and don't want to know them anymore. Thankfully, I don't have to. HA!!!
I have decided that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I shower daily, I wear cool clothes, I drive a pretty hot car, I pay my own bills, and I am a good person, with a nice smile, and killer blue eyes. Im also funny as shit, and do NOT live a boring life...so what if Im not perfect...who cares we all have our demons... so fuck it...why hide.
For those of you who don't know...I am not a high school graduate. I went to High School for 4 years, but my fatal mistake..was getting a car, and a boyfriend, 4 months before graduation...I ditched alot, in my car, to go hang out with my 21 yr old boyfriend...then I turned 18 and they couldnt hold me as tightly, so I would just leave school to go see my boyfriend... DUMB...cuz I fell back on my work, and instead of graduating, I fell a few credits short... SO I never went back, shortly afterward, I had to fend for myself so I never really went back to finish. Frankly I never really had to worry about it until I got the wild hair up my ass to go to college. SO I put that off even further...but will no longer be doing that, as any of you who have read previous blogs should already know. Moving to go to School, and start over fresh, and be "the new guy." Well, all this has led me to the following BIG BIG NEWS.... on April 1st....IM TAKING THE G.E.D. !!!!! and I am so nervous about it that I don't know if I'm gonna shit, vomit, or have a nose bleed. I know I need to brush up on history, but MATH IS MY CRIPPLING WEAKNESS. Real life math is no problem, ya know, figuring out budgets, money, things like that, no problem, but when its n = some fraction x some other fraction that consists of two more letters and a number ...ya know....that shit...I know nothing about it. My friends Amanda and Jamie are apparently VERY good with Math...so I have help. I bought a book to help prep for the test too...I think I got the wrong book though. I got the study prep book for California High School Proficiency Exam...which I think is different from the GED. I dunno, but I figure math is universal so I can still use it.
So wish me luck!!!! Cuz If I pass, then I'm enrolling at DeVry and starting with DeVry April 27th. Im excited. I need to get student loans and stuff too..anyone who wants to help me with that who knows more about it than I do I would LOVE to hear from you. I have a few friends I can talk to that I know for sure will have info: Holly, Lisa, Katie, Jill...I have peeps, but damnit Im more than happy to have more...SO please let me know if you know anything maybe that I dont know about financial aid and student loans...specifically how to get MORE money. Sounds greedy but its part of a plan Im trying to put together.
Lets see what else is up.... I still like Mike. :-) alot. Umm...friendships are still changing and fading, while others grow stronger...
OH this weekend Im going to See Missy Higgins and Justin Nozuka live at the Orphium Theater in LA. EXCITED!!!!!!!
I think that about covers it...OH I need money. But thats nothing new. OK see ya bitches.
The audacity of some people...its ridiculous. I mean , I always knew there was something off...but DAMN. The manipulation, the lies, the hissy fit and scene that was made was out of control. Now the fraud and the underhanded selfishness, willing to ruin someone else's life, to get what you want...something trivial even! You disgust me.
I am shocked, and yet, so overwhelmingly angry at the actions of some people, that I am just done with it. I don't like them, and don't want to know them anymore. Thankfully, I don't have to. HA!!!
I have decided that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I shower daily, I wear cool clothes, I drive a pretty hot car, I pay my own bills, and I am a good person, with a nice smile, and killer blue eyes. Im also funny as shit, and do NOT live a boring life...so what if Im not perfect...who cares we all have our demons... so fuck it...why hide.
For those of you who don't know...I am not a high school graduate. I went to High School for 4 years, but my fatal mistake..was getting a car, and a boyfriend, 4 months before graduation...I ditched alot, in my car, to go hang out with my 21 yr old boyfriend...then I turned 18 and they couldnt hold me as tightly, so I would just leave school to go see my boyfriend... DUMB...cuz I fell back on my work, and instead of graduating, I fell a few credits short... SO I never went back, shortly afterward, I had to fend for myself so I never really went back to finish. Frankly I never really had to worry about it until I got the wild hair up my ass to go to college. SO I put that off even further...but will no longer be doing that, as any of you who have read previous blogs should already know. Moving to go to School, and start over fresh, and be "the new guy." Well, all this has led me to the following BIG BIG NEWS.... on April 1st....IM TAKING THE G.E.D. !!!!! and I am so nervous about it that I don't know if I'm gonna shit, vomit, or have a nose bleed. I know I need to brush up on history, but MATH IS MY CRIPPLING WEAKNESS. Real life math is no problem, ya know, figuring out budgets, money, things like that, no problem, but when its n = some fraction x some other fraction that consists of two more letters and a number ...ya know....that shit...I know nothing about it. My friends Amanda and Jamie are apparently VERY good with Math...so I have help. I bought a book to help prep for the test too...I think I got the wrong book though. I got the study prep book for California High School Proficiency Exam...which I think is different from the GED. I dunno, but I figure math is universal so I can still use it.
So wish me luck!!!! Cuz If I pass, then I'm enrolling at DeVry and starting with DeVry April 27th. Im excited. I need to get student loans and stuff too..anyone who wants to help me with that who knows more about it than I do I would LOVE to hear from you. I have a few friends I can talk to that I know for sure will have info: Holly, Lisa, Katie, Jill...I have peeps, but damnit Im more than happy to have more...SO please let me know if you know anything maybe that I dont know about financial aid and student loans...specifically how to get MORE money. Sounds greedy but its part of a plan Im trying to put together.
Lets see what else is up.... I still like Mike. :-) alot. Umm...friendships are still changing and fading, while others grow stronger...
OH this weekend Im going to See Missy Higgins and Justin Nozuka live at the Orphium Theater in LA. EXCITED!!!!!!!
I think that about covers it...OH I need money. But thats nothing new. OK see ya bitches.
March 16, 2009
Improvement
I just read something that changed my mood completely. My mood ring went from ( as seen on my previous post today) a filthy grown to a slightly calmer greenish...
It's going to sound emo but for years, I have told either my ex, or certain friends I have opened up to...that my soul and my heart feel cracked. Ya know, a little bit lilo & stitch..."broken but still good"....
Well I was thinking about this a few minutes ago when I got an email from my beloved Jessica...my honey bunny, my roommate, my friend, my boo....and at the very end it said this:
"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."
:-)
It's going to sound emo but for years, I have told either my ex, or certain friends I have opened up to...that my soul and my heart feel cracked. Ya know, a little bit lilo & stitch..."broken but still good"....
Well I was thinking about this a few minutes ago when I got an email from my beloved Jessica...my honey bunny, my roommate, my friend, my boo....and at the very end it said this:
"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."
:-)
There's only so much of me to go around...
I'm stretched as thin as can be. Obviously that is a metaphorical statement as there is nothing thin about me with the exception of my hair...thank you old age.
Between planning to move, trying to meet "someone special" (if that person even exists at this point), Trying to remain sane, and roller derby, the next two or three months are going to full of traveling. I only have so much energy, and I think I'm gonna ware myself out. Plus I'm going to make the effort to go out more and be more social and meet new people and try once again (hopefully not in vain) to give the gays another chance and hit some gay events. A new friend of mine via facebook organizes a gay mens/bearish cub group party thing called Kuma in Pomona...I guess its once a month...I dont know, but Im going to the next one. Im going to try to release my inhibitions and just have fun, and not give a fuck what anyone thinks about it.
Travel:
March: L.A. to see Missy Higgins & Justin Nozuka
San Diego to check out rental properties and check out the area and try to get a lay out of my new home. Also, hoping to visit with Mike and Rick. I should probably confirm with them, otherwise why bother getting my hopes up.
April: Gay Day at the Southern Renaissance Fair. Never been, sound fun, looking to get swash-buckled or Pillage some cute guys village :-)
Going to the Getty Museum for my friends birthday.
May: End of May, 3 day weekend up to San Francisco for a day, then up to Humboldt for a Derby bout we're playing in the next day, then drive home.
....other than that, I'm hoping to spend some weekends in S.D. apartment/house hunting, making friends, etc etc...and then moving in July.
Busy Busy Busy. OH and somewhere in that mix I need to get my G.E.D., enroll at DeVry, and get student loans set up so I can buy school supplies and prepare to move.
And YES its a lot to do, and some people may think that I should give myself more time, but I don't want to. I Don't want to take anymore time than absolutely necessary. I have wasted the past 10 years learning how to survive, and going a whole lotta NO WHERE in Ventura County, a place I am starting to loathe by the way. I just want out. I'm sure I will miss it when I'm gone but right now, I kinda...fucking hate it. I'm sick of it.
I feel like my life has gone head first into a period of transition and instead of waiting it out and surveying the aftermath, Im grabbing the reigns and riding this transition. I am going to have a say in this transition damnit.
I remember a prayer or an AA chant or something that said "Give me the strength to change the things I can change, and the knowledge to recognize the things I cannot change"...or something like that...anyway I am going to do everything I can to change the thing I need changed. As for the things that are changing that I have no control over...I kinda don't care anymore. There has been some drama with a few friends of mine, and I wont go into it cuz Im not putting that out on blast, BUT its fucking retarded, and i think the people involved are making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be because its just dumb... but it doesn't involve me, and I intend to keep it that way...and if I get dragged into it...oh you will NOT be happy, cuz I will not have anything nice to say about it. I have other friendships that are fading, we are growing apart...sometimes I think I'm growing and they arent, sometimes I think they are sick of me and want new things, a feeling I can totally understand...SO I take it for what it is. I'm not going to hold on to stuff just because Im used to it. Im kinda done. Im really fucking tired of the same shit different day life. Im fucking tired of being expected to behave or act or think a certain way because it's whats expected of me or because its how I have always been...well ya know what, sometimes the way you have always been is fucking shitty now. I'm tired of NOT changing, Im tired of judgment from those who DON'T want to change, and I'm tired of being studied, or having people think they have to observe me to see if they can talk to me. Fuck off. If you cant just talk to me, especially if we are friends, then I don't wanna know what your problem is, and I don't care. Cry to someone else.
Im tired of this half assed behavior from people. Its not everyone, but some of them are on my nerves. If you have a problem, talk to me, if you are mad, explain it to me, if you are happy, share it with me, if you have feelings for me, fucking tell me!! don't be a pussy, if you aren't interested in me, say so! So I can stop hoping for something thats not possible. Im You have concerns, questions, then MAN UP AND TALK TO ME. I dont give a shit, as long as we approach it calmly like adults Im fine, if its gonna be snide comments, drama, attitude, then Im gonna tell you to fuck yourself and stop talking to me, cuz Im not something to be observed, Im not some stupid little child for you to talk down to. I've met my quota of taking peoples shit.
Now I feel better. :-)
Between planning to move, trying to meet "someone special" (if that person even exists at this point), Trying to remain sane, and roller derby, the next two or three months are going to full of traveling. I only have so much energy, and I think I'm gonna ware myself out. Plus I'm going to make the effort to go out more and be more social and meet new people and try once again (hopefully not in vain) to give the gays another chance and hit some gay events. A new friend of mine via facebook organizes a gay mens/bearish cub group party thing called Kuma in Pomona...I guess its once a month...I dont know, but Im going to the next one. Im going to try to release my inhibitions and just have fun, and not give a fuck what anyone thinks about it.
Travel:
March: L.A. to see Missy Higgins & Justin Nozuka
San Diego to check out rental properties and check out the area and try to get a lay out of my new home. Also, hoping to visit with Mike and Rick. I should probably confirm with them, otherwise why bother getting my hopes up.
April: Gay Day at the Southern Renaissance Fair. Never been, sound fun, looking to get swash-buckled or Pillage some cute guys village :-)
Going to the Getty Museum for my friends birthday.
May: End of May, 3 day weekend up to San Francisco for a day, then up to Humboldt for a Derby bout we're playing in the next day, then drive home.
....other than that, I'm hoping to spend some weekends in S.D. apartment/house hunting, making friends, etc etc...and then moving in July.
Busy Busy Busy. OH and somewhere in that mix I need to get my G.E.D., enroll at DeVry, and get student loans set up so I can buy school supplies and prepare to move.
And YES its a lot to do, and some people may think that I should give myself more time, but I don't want to. I Don't want to take anymore time than absolutely necessary. I have wasted the past 10 years learning how to survive, and going a whole lotta NO WHERE in Ventura County, a place I am starting to loathe by the way. I just want out. I'm sure I will miss it when I'm gone but right now, I kinda...fucking hate it. I'm sick of it.
I feel like my life has gone head first into a period of transition and instead of waiting it out and surveying the aftermath, Im grabbing the reigns and riding this transition. I am going to have a say in this transition damnit.
I remember a prayer or an AA chant or something that said "Give me the strength to change the things I can change, and the knowledge to recognize the things I cannot change"...or something like that...anyway I am going to do everything I can to change the thing I need changed. As for the things that are changing that I have no control over...I kinda don't care anymore. There has been some drama with a few friends of mine, and I wont go into it cuz Im not putting that out on blast, BUT its fucking retarded, and i think the people involved are making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be because its just dumb... but it doesn't involve me, and I intend to keep it that way...and if I get dragged into it...oh you will NOT be happy, cuz I will not have anything nice to say about it. I have other friendships that are fading, we are growing apart...sometimes I think I'm growing and they arent, sometimes I think they are sick of me and want new things, a feeling I can totally understand...SO I take it for what it is. I'm not going to hold on to stuff just because Im used to it. Im kinda done. Im really fucking tired of the same shit different day life. Im fucking tired of being expected to behave or act or think a certain way because it's whats expected of me or because its how I have always been...well ya know what, sometimes the way you have always been is fucking shitty now. I'm tired of NOT changing, Im tired of judgment from those who DON'T want to change, and I'm tired of being studied, or having people think they have to observe me to see if they can talk to me. Fuck off. If you cant just talk to me, especially if we are friends, then I don't wanna know what your problem is, and I don't care. Cry to someone else.
Im tired of this half assed behavior from people. Its not everyone, but some of them are on my nerves. If you have a problem, talk to me, if you are mad, explain it to me, if you are happy, share it with me, if you have feelings for me, fucking tell me!! don't be a pussy, if you aren't interested in me, say so! So I can stop hoping for something thats not possible. Im You have concerns, questions, then MAN UP AND TALK TO ME. I dont give a shit, as long as we approach it calmly like adults Im fine, if its gonna be snide comments, drama, attitude, then Im gonna tell you to fuck yourself and stop talking to me, cuz Im not something to be observed, Im not some stupid little child for you to talk down to. I've met my quota of taking peoples shit.
Now I feel better. :-)
March 13, 2009
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